TerraVirtua.com http://www.terravirtua.com/ The World According to Tim en-us Copyright (C) 1994-2013 TerraVirtua.com All rights reserved. Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:38:13 PDT Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:38:13 PDT TerraVirtua.com 60 http://www.terravirtua.com/assets/images/logo.gif TerraVirtua.com http://www.terravirtua.com/ <![CDATA[i just realized a downside to tight facebook integration]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/488/i-just-realized-a-downside-to-tight-facebook-integration/ it can lead to unforeseen consequences. like, say, i decide to stop using facebook, and can no longer comment on my own site.

so... facebook integration will be going away somewhat soonish, in favor of some other form of authentication, like openid or something... hooray. oh well, ive always wanted to learn how those work, i guess this is my opportunity...]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/488/ Tue, 11 Jun 2013 09:18:43 PDT <![CDATA[im back]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/487/im-back/ for those few (anyone?) that read this still, i returned from my trip overseas late last saturday...

i picked up some kind of bug on the trip back and have been sick for the last several days. i think im over it but... i thought that the last several days, too, so... who knows.

it has been so hard to get my head back in the game. i spent two weeks in what feels like the garden of eden, with the lady i love, and now i feel like ive been ejected from the garden, and it sucks. back to traffic, to paying bills, to going to work, to cleaning house, to doing all the things that make up my "normal" life. it feels like a hollow black-and-white existence set alongside the paradise i lived in, and i just dont know how i make myself get back to enjoying... this. i wonder if post-vacation depression is a real, clinical thing? because i think i have it.

if i can get past moping (and get to the point looking at all the pictures dont make me so sad) im going to try to organize some photo albums and write some vignettes about my experiences. but i wouldnt look for them in the next few days or weeks... im still trying to adjust, and judging by the last few days, it might take a little while.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/487/ Thu, 02 May 2013 05:22:57 PDT <![CDATA[vacation]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/486/vacation/ so, im about to go on my first vacation in... 30 years? somewhere around that, anyway.

im sort of freaking out.

anyway, if youre seeing this, youre on my "vacay list" and will see updates as i post them. im probably going to post most of the pictures and travelog here, because its easier to do long-format stuff than on facebook... but some pictures will probably sneak their way onto facebook as well, im sure.

if youre going to comment on these posts, please remember to UNCHECK the "post to facebook" checkbox.

im actually contemplating disabling the commenting so as to avoid people accidentally leaving it checked and posting my shit all over the interwebs inadvertently.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/486/ Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:17:29 PDT <![CDATA[out with the old]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/485/out-with-the-old/ as the new year approaches, ive been debating closing down the blog for the last few weeks.

rather than shut it down entirely, i have come to the conclusion its time for a digital purging, much in the same way i purged physically (and emotionally) earlier this year. i NEEDED badly to discard the kruft of an old and broken life, and not doing the same here was a mistake... ive been avoiding it because in a very real sense this site has recorded the story of my life for the last 10 years, and just as in the other purges, its hard to let go sometimes.

however, my life is telling a different story now (and likely to get even more different still, as time goes on), and im ready to close the book on the old one. just as with my material things, im going to set aside a small digital box, in which i will place a few of the articles that i think are worth keeping... everything else must go. i dont need it anymore.

im finished with looking backwards.

[edit:]

ok so... its harder than i thought. just like it was with my stuff, i want to keep way more than i really ought to, but unlike with my stuff, theres no physicality to it, no box that is obviously full. BUT ive managed to pare it down to less than 10% (not counting the songs of the whenever, which aside from being a fairly good indicator of my mood at the time i posted them, are about as content-neutral as a blog article can possibly be) so i think thats pretty good. in a day or two, i might trim it down even more, i find it is often easier when ive had a little more time away from it to cull things.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/485/ Thu, 27 Dec 2012 18:32:56 PST <![CDATA[thankful]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/482/thankful/ ive had a kind of shitty few weeks, and frankly have allowed them to turn me into a little shit myself. im in serious need of an attitude adjustment, and cataloging my blessings for thanksgiving is just the thing, i think, to provide the proper perspective ive allowed slip away lately.

there are many, many things i have to be thankful for this year.

i am thankful that i am, seemingly, the luckiest man alive. there is nothing, NOTHING, that ever happens in my life no matter how large or small, good or bad, that hasnt ultimately worked to my greater good. id be even more thankful if i could learn to remember this, and not stress out over shit, because really what do i have to stress about? it ALWAYS winds up to be to my benefit. i dont know why this would be the case, but it is, and im glad for it.

i am thankful that, for whatever reason, the weirdest things seem to happen to me. as a rule, if a thing can happen in a number of ways, it is pretty much guaranteed to happen in such a way that it makes the best story possible. this doesnt always mean it happens in the best WAY possible, just the most interesting way (and usually, the funniest way possible)... often, this takes the form of some kind of absurd disaster, bordering on (or even crossing well into) impossible, wrapped in chaos and unpredictability. and, often, it causes me a great deal of stress at the time ("WHY CANT ANYTHING EVER BE EASY??") but hopefully in the coming year, i can remember point #1 above, and learn to just enjoy it for the inherent absurdity, secure in the knowledge that itll work out eventually, and leave me with yet another hysterical thing to recount over beers one afternoon.

i am thankful that i have had the best year of my life. this shouldnt be taken to mean its all been good, of course. it has, at points, been genuinely awful. ive been as depressed as ive ever been in my life (or, if not, then damn near)... i thought i might have serious cancer... i turned 40, and experienced a temporary form of insanity (no other word for it) on the run up to my birthday. i learned what it was like to have panic attacks (they suck, bad). i got diagnostic instruments jammed up my ass and down my throat. but in the end these things (and more) served to break me down to the point that i was FINALLY able to put myself back together again, and come out the other side a different, better (mostly), happier person.

but by the same token, it wasnt all bad either... i remodelled my house. i got adopted by the sweetest and most outgoing cat i have ever met. i finally got the poker table ive always wanted. i got rid of almost all my worldly goods and in the process re-learned that it isnt the stuff in my life that is important (its the people), and also completely divested myself of the fear of losing all my worldly goods (that seems to plague a lot of people). i went to SXSW for the first time and got to see my favorite band play live. i tried and mostly failed at both yoga and kareoke. i lost well over 100 pounds (if were talking about the last 12 months, 170-ish at this point). i entertained guests in my home for the first time in a long time (or, ever, really) and discovered i kind of like it. i learned the joy of living. and i am more than thankful for all of this.

i am thankful for the best job ive ever had in my life, even though it makes me nuts sometimes.

above all, i am thankful for the people in my life. my family, even though THEY drive me nuts sometimes too, and my friends, whom i couldnt live without. ive made new friends, reconnected or reconciled with old friends, and strengthened ties with current friends. theyve shown me a level of love, kindness, patience, understanding, support, and companionship i would never have expected and could never possibly have deserved. they have filled my days with fun and joy. they are what gives meaning to my life, and make it worth living.

in the end, i guess im thankful for EVERYTHING... because i could just as easily have nothing. truly, i am most richly blessed.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/482/ Wed, 21 Nov 2012 23:03:22 PST <![CDATA[Love and Happiness.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/475/Love-and-Happiness/ this is a response to a blog post from a good friend of mine, entitled "happiness"... you can read it at http://rickwiedeman.com/2012/09/14/happiness/ for context. i had originally intended to post the response there but it started to get pretty wordy, so i moved it here.

-=-=-=-

ive been struggling with this lately myself, as you know... and im not sure there is a one-size-fits-all version of happiness, or methodology for achieving/maintaining it... not just for different people, but also for the SAME person at different times. "happiness" is a slippery thing... but i believe its key element lives in the realm of perception. when i take a look at the times i was happy, and the times i was unhappy, and compare the variables, time and again i find there is very little to no meaningful objective difference in circumstances... the difference was in ME. in a very real way, as lynn said above, i was happy or unhappy because i had decided to be one or the other.

good shit happens, and bad shit happens, and with the exception of statistical outliers (that either really get fucked or really hit the life lotto) i think we all receive roughly the same proportion of each taken across the span of our lifetime. and yet some people are happier than others, consistently. why is this the case?

i can look back on my life and see that there were plenty of times i was happy even though my personal circumstances were actually pretty shitty, and conversely times i was miserable when things were pretty good. it seems the defining difference was how i approached my life at the moment. and youre right, its all about joy. approach your life with a heart full of joy, and youll probably be happy regardless. that joy colors all your perceptions.

of course, that leaves us no closer to an answer than we were before, does it? now were just asking, wtf is a heart full of joy? where does it come from? how do i get it? and in sufficient measure to be filled up with it?

after about 6 months of soul-searching, i have come around again to the same answer i have found each time ive tackled this question at many different points in my life. its corny as hell, and sounds trite as can be... but damned if i dont think it really IS the answer. or, AN answer anyway, and a good one.

its Love.

and i dont mean BEING loved. sure, we all like receiving love. its awesome. who doesnt like that? but receiving is both passive, and dependent upon a giver. its the kind of thing that covers you, but doesnt fill you. and at its core, its a selfish sort of thing... not that theres anything wrong with that, i dont have any problem at all with the concept of people wanting for themselves things that make them feel good. that just makes SENSE that you would, and isnt a negative value judgement. i just dont think its ENOUGH.

im talking about the active form of Love. its what comes OUT of you. its not an emotion or a feeling, a passive state of being. its an ACTION. its an attitude, one that informs everything you do and everything you are.

approach every person you encounter with love towards them, and see if you dont find your heart filled with joy, and your cup of happiness running over.

[edit:] another point i meant to make and forgot, in response to your desire "to study contented people, and emulate them"... i would warn away from this. if i have learned anything over the last year, its that "content" isnt enough. content is just another way of saying "not happy, but not sad either"... if you want to be happy, youve got to deal with unhappiness. its just the way it works. it isnt happy, its just not unhappy. content is not living. its just waiting to die.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/475/ Sat, 15 Sep 2012 14:32:11 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: The The - Jealous of Youth]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/472/Song-of-the-Whenever-The-The-Jealous-of-Youth/ i had fully intended to use this as the song of the whenever on my 40th bday, and just completely spaced it. senility i guess :) but better late than never... this is a great song, and has the incomparable johnny marr on guitar.
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/472/ Thu, 30 Aug 2012 13:19:54 PDT <![CDATA[so... 40.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/470/so-40/ well, as most of you know, i turned 40 yesterday. its sort of difficult to believe that it came and went, just like that... it had loomed so large in my mind for so long that it almost felt... unreal. then before i knew it it was past... it is, honestly, a huge relief to be past it.

i will admit to being somewhat disappointed in myself over the whole thing. i honestly (and probably arrogantly) believed that i wasnt the kind of person to be affected by silly things like a fear of aging, that i was above the whole mid-life crisis thing. looking back on it, i realize now that it really started bothering me right at the tail end of last year... i think because i could pretend it was the distant future right up until it was in the same calendar year, at which point i couldnt ignore it anymore.

it was insidious and subtle, really. started with looking back over the last 10 years... my 30th birthday was a really good one, and still very clear in my mind, and it inevitably followed that i began sort of retracing my steps over the last 10 years. and frankly... they were a waste. the decade passed SO QUCKLY, it felt like about two subjective years, from the perspective of my 20-something self... and i began to realize that, while ive always accepted that one never knows when their end will come, even if you assume i DONT suffer an untimely death, i am now on the downward slope. more time lies behind me than ahead of me. and i had WASTED a full quarter of my time so far.

it depressed the hell out of me. seriously. just about as bad a depression as ive ever been in, second only to the period of time after my divorce. worse, i didnt even realize i was depressed... which means it wormed its way into my mind and affected nearly every aspect of my life. it compromised my judgement, it compromised my thought processes, it compromised my decision-making ability, it (of course) affected my mood, and it affected my appetite.

this led me to have the most rapid and large period of weight loss i have ever experienced. and because i didnt realize (or couldnt accept, see "arrogance" above) that i was depressed and that was what was causing it, i became concerned i was sick. which would stress me more, cause my appetite to further decrease, cause me to lose even MORE, and make me even more convinced i was sick. it became a self-reinforcing feedback loop.

combine that with my more unstable emotional state, and the self-induced body-blow to my psyche that resulted from one the most (possibly THE most) stunningly bad errors in judgement ive ever committed, and i found myself plunged into a pit of despair so bad i briefly even considered getting medication for it.

it wasnt all bad, though. part of my mid-life crisis included doing something i really SHOULD have done a long time ago, the clean-slate remodel of my home. of course i went way overboard with it, getting rid of everything i own and all but... hey, thats just how i roll :) chances are good it would have played out about the same even without the depression amping up and exaggerating my actions. im sure i would have enjoyed the experience a lot more though... it definitely wasnt healthy or helpful to my mental state to be sitting around in an EMPTY house with dusty concrete floors for almost two months, especially THOSE two months.

it also served to shock me back to life, to wake me up in a way i havent been in a long, long time. maybe not ever. i cant change the past, but i damn well can change my future, and i intend to do so... im ready to start living, instead of merely... waiting to die.

so im not 40 anymore. im exactly one day old. and by god, i intend the next 40 years to be LIVED. and with the help of my friends, people of truly the very finest quality ive ever met, i have no doubt they will be.

thank you, all of you.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/470/ Fri, 17 Aug 2012 20:21:25 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: The Bolshoi - Away]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/469/Song-of-the-Whenever-The-Bolshoi-Away/ im reaching way back to the mid-80's for this one...
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/469/ Sun, 12 Aug 2012 12:20:12 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Flinch - Underwater (ft Kylee Swenson) (bonus: an old-man screen on dubstep)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/468/Song-of-the-Whenever-Flinch-Underwater-ft-Kylee-Swenson-bonus-an-old-man-screen-on-dubstep/ kylee swenson is the lead for loquat, probably my favorite band. loquat's music is thoughtful, soothing, often jazzy, and always good. theres nothing kylee has done that i dont like. or should i say, there WAS nothing... i heard she had done a collaboration with a dubstep artist, and i thought "finally i might hear a dubstep song i like"...

no. a thousand times no. even kylee's voice isnt enough.

for those of you who have no idea what dubstep is (which is going to be most of you), its a newish type of dance music that the kids are crazy for. a friend of mine summed up dubstep pretty well: every dubstep song sounds like transformers fucking. thats it in a nutshell.
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oh yeah and about that HTML5 stuff i mentioned in the last post? fuck that. it isnt just harder to protect the content, its IMPOSSIBLE. the very best i could do would be mere tissue paper... and because i dont want to contribute to the already rampant problem of people stealing music and never paying the artists that make it, im not going to use it.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/468/ Sat, 28 Jul 2012 12:07:53 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Lisa Hannigan - Home]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/466/Song-of-the-Whenever-Lisa-Hannigan-Home/ every now and then, ill get "music-bored" (which i realize should be almost impossible when you have almost 500 hours worth of music ripped and another 200 or so more to go) and will roll the dice on a random album. or, not entirely random, but just something recommended by amazon or wherever, and cheap.

usually, it doesnt work out so well. but every now and then, i run across a real gem... and this morning, i hit the damn jackpot. "passenger" by lisa hannigan is one of the rare albums where every track is good. not just good, but stellar. so much so, its impossible to pick a standout track, so im just going with the first on the album.

some albums, for whatever reason, just... transport me. take me out, above, away from... everything. while im listening to them, im somewhere, ANYwhere, else... and oftentimes, that is exactly what i need. this is one of those albums. her voice, soaring and bright, is like aural drugs straight into the pleasure center of my brain, providing a much needed escape. i think i listened to this album non-stop for almost 6 hours today.
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]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/466/ Wed, 25 Jul 2012 18:50:48 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Groove Armada - Think Twice]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/464/Song-of-the-Whenever-Groove-Armada-Think-Twice/ i really like groove armada, WHEN theyre good. i just wish they werent so damn inconsistent...
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/464/ Wed, 20 Jun 2012 12:53:51 PDT <![CDATA[things i want:]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/463/things-i-want/ i want to not feel alone in a room full of people.

i want to not feel like almost no one ever really understands wtf i am talking about.

i want to not walk into an empty house at the end of the day.

i want to not feel like a giant is sitting on my chest crushing the life out of me.

i want to be able to find enjoyment again in the things i used to enjoy.

i want to not just be going through the motions.

i mean, i get that life is about learning to live with disappointment. i do. and im not greedy. i dont want all these things, all at once, all the time. but i think it would be a nice change of pace to get just one of them, once in a while... for the novelty of it, if no other reason.

wish in one hand and shit in the other, i guess.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/463/ Tue, 19 Jun 2012 18:32:33 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Massive Attack - Paradise Circus]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/461/Song-of-the-Whenever-Massive-Attack-Paradise-Circus/ like most massive attack songs, it makes absolutely zero sense... but i dig the sound.

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/461/ Mon, 11 Jun 2012 08:36:28 PDT <![CDATA[major interior renovations: completed]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/460/major-interior-renovations-completed/ with the final bit of touchup work done by the painters this morning, and the handing off to them of the last half of their payment, the major interior renovation work is finished. well, the major renovation work that i intend to do any time in the immediate future. there is still one bathroom that needs to be completely torn out and redone thanks to a falling foundation and subsequent water damage, but thats a project unto itself, and wont get addressed until after ive a) paid down the loan that was taken to do the other stuff, and b) saved up enough to do it. so, probably first part of next year.

theres still a TON of "little things" inside the house that need doing, but nothing that requires a crew completely draping my house in plastic and wreaking havoc for days on end. the remaining stuff, i can do myself, or have done by a single guy (plumber, electrician, whatever) in a single visit. in no particular order:

+ window treatments. new blinds are desperately needed all through the house. i hate mini-blinds, theyve got to go.

+ replace the mixing valve and possibly the whole faucet in the master bath.

+ lots of minor electrical work. there are a few switches that dont work, a ceiling fan that has given up the ghost, two spotlights in the living room that need to be replaced with more useful (ie, actually LIGHT the living room) lights, need a new outlet closer to the fireplace to make it more convenient (and safe!) to plug in the tv and stuff, etc.

+ get new outlet and switch covers that more closely match the new paint job, or get white ones and paint them.

+ repaint all the quarter-rounds that were put in as a part of the new flooring. the quarter-rounds are white, and my trim is ivory. which, when NOT contrasted with a stark white piece of trim right up against it, LOOKS stark white. but it isnt. its obvious, and looks kind of crappy. so ill be pulling these off, repainting them, and putting them back on, probably a room a weekend.

+ get rugs and runners for the high-traffic areas of the house, so i dont go batshit crazy seeing all the dusty footprints on the floor immediately after i mop it. its frustrating to spend the time to make the floor look fantastic only to see it look dirty again 30 minutes later.

there is also a fair bit of major items that need to be done on the exterior of the house. a new fence is probably the first thing, but ive got some wood rot on some of the eaves, and a lot of areas that need repainting. theres some decorative masonry that got wrecked by an out of control volunteer tree. then theres the foundation on the only corner of the house that hasnt been jacked up and reinforced yet. fun fun.

probably another $15k left that i need to put into it. $35k sounds like a ton to have spent on the house, but when you consider that ive had the house for 12 years and wasnt able to do hardly ANY of the needed maintenance on it over that period, it comes out to about $3k a year, which is probably about right... especially considering the fact that i knew the house had issues that were going to need to be addressed when i bought it, and then never was able to take care of because i lost my job almost immediately after.

ahh the joys of home ownership :)

i am so looking forward to spending a week or two being able to just ENJOY what ive gotten done, which i havent really been able to do thus far.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/460/ Mon, 04 Jun 2012 09:07:51 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Depeche Mode - Policy of Truth]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/456/Song-of-the-Whenever-Depeche-Mode-Policy-of-Truth/ its strange, when this song came out, i really didnt like it at all... but now its one of my favorites.

[edit:] hmm actually, now that i think about it... not so strange after all.

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/456/ Wed, 23 May 2012 13:24:37 PDT <![CDATA[home, again.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/455/home-again/ it is difficult for me to believe that just two months ago, everything was different. it might seem like "just a few things" to someone watching from the outside, but from my perspective, it truly does feel like "everything"...

two months ago, i was just about as happy as i ever get. probably not all that high on the happiness scale for most people, but for me, i was feeling pretty damn good. at least, it seemed that way. i was... changing. waking up, like from a coma. in a burst of exuberance (and in classic "me" style) i decided it was time to do something drastic, to push things along, to jump in the deep end and see if i could swim.

i decided to remodel. the house, yes, but also me. im a believer in symbolism. i think we, as human beings, respond strongly to the right kind of symbolism. i believe internal changes can have a profound impact on your external world, and that external changes can bring about an equally profound impact on your internal self. and i especially believe that if you can get them both going at the same time, moving towards the same end, you can create a kind of symbolism-feedback-loop, where you resonate internally and externally, and the changes in each reinforce and amplify the other. under the right kind of circumstances, with the right kind of planning, this can be a powerful force for positive change.

im not known for planning, or waiting for the right kind of circumstances :)

what followed were two months of absolute turmoil and chaos. i think i did most things right, but i did a very few things very wrong, and in the process managed to throw myself so far out of whack that i truly began to despair of ever recovering. the deep end turned out to be very deep, indeed. but, like i always tend to do, i hit the bottom of the pool, paniced for a moment, then... kicked hard for the surface.

today, i finally broke through and took what felt like the first breath of air ive had in a long time.

right now, as i sit here, after having walked through the house a dozen times or more, i finally begin to feel like i am home again. not just in the physical structure that provides a roof over my head, but also in my own skin. after what i believe i can honestly say were the longest (and at moments, shittiest) 60 days of my life, i realize i actually feel... good. not great, not outstanding, but... good. and let me tell you, after the last few months... good is good enough.

ive still got a ways to go, theres still a lot left to be done... but i feel like the hardest, most costly part is over.

its good to be home.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/455/ Tue, 22 May 2012 22:19:55 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: The Cardigans - No Sleep]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/454/Song-of-the-Whenever-The-Cardigans-No-Sleep/ so i just heard the cardigans got back together for a reunion tour... man i hope they do another album... one of my all-time favorite bands.

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/454/ Sun, 20 May 2012 10:53:50 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Stars - Dead Hearts]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/449/Song-of-the-Whenever-Stars-Dead-Hearts/ ive seriously got to find some less depressing shit to listen to... but... damnit, i really like stars.
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/449/ Thu, 10 May 2012 20:36:41 PDT <![CDATA[so i bought a belt.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/445/so-i-bought-a-belt/ pretty boring, right? the thing that bothers me is that i *needed* to buy a belt. now, for a fat guy, needing to buy a belt would be a good thing, youd think. and it would be. if i knew why i needed one.

well, i mean, i KNOW why i need one. i need one because my damn pants fell off my hips and down around my ankles in the grocery store parking lot, because i had my hands full with bags and couldnt hitch them up in time. these are the same pants that 4 weeks ago when i went to see tosh, i could barely fasten, and could only walk in if i sucked in. the same pants that i bought online in november, and discovered that their sizing was a little different than the sizing of my current pants (and as an aside, what kind of bullshit is that? an inch is an inch is a goddamn inch, id think). the ones that werent just a little too small, but a full 4 inches too small, the ones that looked like an overstuffed sausage casing the one time i tried them on. theyre way too big now. baggy on my legs, and about 2-3 inches too small on my waist.

let me remind you: from about an inch too small to 2-3 too large. in FOUR WEEKS. and no, im not working out.

i think its time for me to stop dancing around this. theres something really wrong with me. (shut up, ed, i mean medically.) friday, i stood up, and had to sit right back down, because i almost lost consciousness. i know i need to go to the doctor again, but probably all theyre going to do is poke me with more needles. what i really probably need to do is get the sewer snake run up my ass... im beginning to wonder if what got my grandpa, and what my aunt just recently beat, is about to get me.

but i havent done it because, damn me for a fool and a coward, im SCARED. its so stupid. i mean, i KNOW its stupid. i can fully grasp, on an intellectual level, that i need to do this. but im afraid of what im going to find out. actually, im pretty sure of what im going to find out. but its almost like, if i dont KNOW it, if i dont get it confirmed, well... i can pretend otherwise. i dont even want to post THIS, because it feels like if i do ill make it real. so dumb.

but i cant keep pretending that i dont have that vague, dislocated feeling in my proprioception that says "something is wrong"... so, monday, im going to schedule a colonoscopy. ugh.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/445/ Sat, 05 May 2012 06:55:08 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Ministry - Just One Fix]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/441/Song-of-the-Whenever-Ministry-Just-One-Fix/ seems appropriate, what with all the talk of habits and addictions :)
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)
edit: no wonder i was so pissed off all the time when i was younger... even now i listen to this, and it all comes rushing back. i start to feel like smacking someone at random :) im not a big believer in that whole "kids go crazy from video games and music!" thing, but... this album makes me wonder.

incidentally, psalm 69 was unquestionably ministry's peak... and goddamn what an amazing concert that was. damn i feel old, i dont even want to KNOW what year that was in...

actually i dunno, on second thought, "the mind is a terrible thing to taste" might have been better. hard to say.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/441/ Tue, 03 Apr 2012 20:59:50 PDT <![CDATA[on weapons: the sword of death is also the sword of life]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/440/on-weapons-the-sword-of-death-is-also-the-sword-of-life/
The old warriors said, "Weapons are a necessary evil and Heaven detests them. Use them only when there is no other possibility." It is the nature of Heaven to give life and nourish all things, and any weapon used to kill, whether it is a sword, bow, or naginata, is in direct conflict with the will of Heaven. Since these are used to kill Heaven's beloved children, Heaven hates them.

We must also consider that weapons are instruments of Heaven's wrath and judgment. In the natural cycle of things, spring breezes bring life and greenery to the earth, but the winter frost destroys the life that the spring brings. Heaven's love and judgment follow this same path. It makes sense to put a stop to evil because human beings will take advantage of an opportunity to commit evil, and once that evil is revealed it must be judged. For this purpose, weapons are also approved by Heaven.

A single tyrant may kill or torture thousands of innocent people. If you can save the thousands from death or torture, is it not best to kill that one man? In this way, the sword of death is also the sword of life.

-- The Secret Teachings of Yagyu Munenori


look for a longer post on this topic later... because i think its an important one. possibly, one of the most important ones.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/440/ Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:02:37 PDT <![CDATA[the rules: book of five rings edition]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/435/the-rules-book-of-five-rings-edition/ not all of my rules were generated internally... many of them are derived from the wisdom of others.

miyamoto musashi's "Book of Five Rings" has been one of the most influential books ive ever read. I have, literally, read the cover off of at least 4 print copies, and highlighted my ebook copy to the point that almost the entire book is yellow. i read it at least twice a year, and more often when i find myself in a situation where i could use some guidance, and i get something new out of it every time i read it.

not all the wisdom contained in the book is deep, hidden meaning, however. from the first time i read it, one section in particular jumped right out at me, for obvious reasons:

This is the way for men who want to learn my strategy:
  1. Do not think dishonestly.
  2. The Way is in training.
  3. Become acquainted with every art.
  4. Know the Ways of all professions.
  5. Distinguish between gain and loss in worldly matters.
  6. Develop intuitive judgement and understanding for everything.
  7. Perceive those things which cannot be seen.
  8. Pay attention even to trifles.
  9. Do nothing which is of no use.


when i read these rules, i thought, "YES! EXACTLY!"... and while they all seem obvious on the surface, i think there is more to them than you might expect at first glance. in particular, it is important to understand how all these rules play on each other, that any individual rule by itself would be difficult or impossible to follow without also following the others.

Do not think dishonestly.
i think a lot of people look at this, and interpret it as "dont lie"... but that is not at all what is being said here... do not THINK dishonestly. this rule is really a rephrasing of what i consider to be my "first corollary" to my three prime directives: NEVER BELIEVE YOUR OWN BULLSHIT. this rule makes no statement as to how you should behave to others, whether or not one should be honest outwardly (although i happen to think one should, but thats a different set of rules)... instead, it admonishes one to not lie to ONESELF. this is a critical difference, of critical importance. if you cant be honest with yourself, you can never act freely... and as we all know, i value free will and free action above almost all else.

The Way is in training.
whatever your "way" is, it is almost a certainty you cant just "do" it. you have to work at it, continuously, over the course of your entire life. the only way your own personal ruleset becomes a fundamental part of you, something that truly inhabits you in such a way that you dont even think about it anymore, you simply LIVE it, is to practice it diligently, every moment of every day.

Become acquanted with every art.
Know the Ways of all professions.
this is important in almost every facet of life. personally and professionally, you are going to have to be able to relate to other people, and a big part of that is having at least some small measure of what it is they do, how they do it, and what they do it for. it gives you a level of versatility that will come in handy almost every day, and frequently, several times a day. it will make every part of your life more productive, and more fulfilling, and help you to better value and understand the people around you. and, should you ever find yourself in conflict with them, that understanding could be invaluable in coming out on top.

Distinguish between gain and loss in worldly matters.
it never ceases to amaze, how many people are so very terrible at this. the constantly misvalue things, when they bother to try to assign value at all, and have very little understanding in how what they do may shift the value of a situation in one way or another. they dont even begin to perform risk evaluations, or contemplate what it is they lose when they gain something else, or vice versa. before taking action or making decisions, try to know what it is you stand to gain or lose... and what it is others might gain or lose as well. this applies to almost everything, not just monetary transactions.

Develop intuitive judgement and understanding for everything.
the 3rd and 4th rules play heavily into this one... and i think the key word here is "intuitive" more than "everything"... understanding of everything is a very tall order, but developing INTUITIVE judgement means you are able to act quickly and decisively when needed, free from thought. it isnt always appropriate to act in haste, but when it is, the ability is often critical... and nearly impossible if you havent worked at developing this sort of intuitive judgement. it takes a ton of practice and isnt nearly as easy to accomplish as it sounds.

Perceive those things which cannot be seen.
not everything is obvious, and almost nothing IMPORTANT is. you have to learn to seek out and see the things that lie beneath the surface. this is, really, i think at the heart of the concept of "understanding"... almost anyone can grasp the surface of a thing or situation, but it takes effort and dedication to see the foundational characteristics of said thing or situation.

Pay attention even to trifles.
its been said that the devil is in the details, and its been my experience this tends to be true. its the little things that will trip you up in life, not the big things... theyre far easier to avoid. often, the tiniest thing can make the biggest difference.

(i think you could make the case for addressing the last three rules together, because they are essentially facets of the same thing: perception, understanding, and judgement)

Do nothing that is of no use.
this is one that some of my friends have had problems with, and i think its because they take it too literally. there are many frivolous things that are of perfectly legitimate "use" or value, and following this rule doesnt mean you can only engage in "serious business" all the time. i think it is more an admonishment to KNOW what value is derived from a thing, and to discard the very few that truly ARE of "no use"...

i find it interesting to note that in a book primarily concerned with martial techniques, this list of rules laid out in the very first chapter does not deal directly with conflict at all. i suspect this is because musashi felt that almost every conflict is resolved far before the swords are drawn... the resolution of the conflict is merely a matter of technique. its the groundwork that goes on as the moment to moment work of your life that decides the victor.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/435/ Sat, 31 Mar 2012 15:27:26 PDT <![CDATA[addicition and withdrawal]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/434/addicition-and-withdrawal/ it occurs to me that not everyone (perhaps not most) understand just how shitty withdrawal from an addiction really is. you try to explain it, but you can tell from the look on their face that they dont really understand what it is youre going through. i think it serves as an indicator of how difficult it is to explain if you consider that im reasonably good at painting pictures with words, and people STILL dont get it, no matter how many different ways i try. it leads me to question whether it is even possible, and yet, i find myself compelled to try, one more time. i think im going to go at it a little differently this time though.

first, id like to give a little background on the actual pharmacological action of nicotine on the brain.

nicotine is a stimulant, as i think everyone knows, and it does all the things one would expect a stimulant to do. but it also has an additional affect: it acts directly on the reward center of the brain. now, when you talk about the reward center in a clinical sense, you arent talking about the normal kind of "reward" that most people think of... like, say, feeling good about a job well done, or what have you. no, the reward center is the part of the brain that responds to and reinforces the most BASIC required functions for moment to moment SURVIVAL. it is a very old, very primitive part of the brain. it is primarily concerned with little things, like breathing, eating, fucking, and shitting. almost amoeba-level actions. every time you take in a breath, the reward center releases a little hit of pleasure, saying "yep, thats good, breathing is good, keep on doing it. so, you know, you dont DIE or something"...

now introduce nicotine into the mix. nicotine, when introduced to the body, ALSO gives the reward center a little pop. in a very short time, the brain integrates the action of receiving a hit of nicotine as an ESSENTIAL SURVIVAL FUNCTION, right along side BREATHING. if you get your nicotine by smoking, it is even worse, because it ties TWO survival functions together, very tightly. every time you take a breath, the brain expects to also get a little pop from receiving nicotine. if it doesnt get it, it begins to grow... concerned. if it doesnt get it for long enough, it becomes convinced you are dying.

to get some idea of just how powerful the compulsion is, id like you to try holding your breath. go on, give it a shot, right now while you are reading. dont stop, just keep reading. doing it? good.

after a very short span of time, well before you begin to experience the physical effects of oxygen deprivation, you will begin to feel very uncomfortable in a way that is difficult to describe. you know something is wrong. you know there is something you should be doing, something you really NEED to be doing. you will begin to experience anxiety over not doing it. just a little bit, at first, nothing you cant overcome by thinking your way through it.

then, youll begin to get physical indications that something is wrong. your lungs will begin to burn. youll find it increasingly difficult not to breathe, even though you are trying hard not to. you STILL arent suffering the effects of oxygen deprivation, that actually takes a while, but the reward center is starting to wake up and say "hey. dumbass. you seriously need to take a breath, probably real soon now." and it will begin to dump anxiety into your system, in increasing quantities.

it is now only a question of time as to how long before your intentional control is overridden, and the body takes over, forcing you to inhale. i suspect it is actually impossible for you to hold your breath until you pass out, even for the most disciplined among us. you ARE going to breathe, because you have no choice in the matter. and eventually... you will.

so that is some SMALL measure of what goes on. thats what a smoker begins to experience about two to four HOURS after not getting a pop of nicotine. and remember, this is a VOLUNTARY action, like holding your breath, no one is making you do it, and yet, you have to keep on holding it... for hours, for days, for months, for YEARS to come.

then, it starts to get really bad.

lets take the experiment further. you probably wont be able to actually carry out this part, in fact i wouldnt advise it even if you could find someone that would participate. but... now imagine that you no longer are voluntarily holding your breath. someone is choking you. holding your head under water. again, at first, you can deal with this just fine. its uncomfortable, but not so terrible you cant stand it. however, in a minute or two, you get to the point where youve decided, ok, enough is enough, the experiment is over, its time to breathe now, and you indicate as much to your experimental partner.

however... they dont let go. the continue to choke you out, to hold you under. youre beginning to get a little concerned that they dont understand, they are supposed to let you go now. you give them a look, or maybe slap the side of the water tank with your hand. you try to express "come on now, seriously, we are done, i get it".

and still, they dont let go.

now, you are beginning to panic in earnest. you cant breathe. your chest is constricting, your heart begins to pound. you start to realize youre going to take a breath of water if you dont get to air soon. you begin to struggle, with purpose at first, then with a will, thrashing, kicking, hitting, doing anything you can to get to that sweet, life-giving air.

and still, they dont let go.

you realize... you are dying. not tomorrow, not next week or next year, but RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! you HAVE to get air! your very EXISTENCE is threatened, you will do ANYTHING required to get just one more brief gasp of life.

and STILL they dont let go.

now, consider for a moment... when i am quitting smoking, i dont have anyone hanging on to my neck, no one is holding my head under water... only *I* am here, doing this, forcing myself not to breathe, not to breathe, not to breathe, even though i feel like i will DIE if i dont get another pop of nicotine. i dont just "feel" like it, my brain is ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED of it.

and somehow, through sheer force of will, i am supposed to continue not to breathe.

THIS is what a smoker deals with. and THAT happens around the SECOND DAY. it actually gets WORSE from there.

is anyone really surprised that i would slip, that it would take two, three, or more attempts before i manage to actually hold my breath for so long my brain stops being convinced im going to die if i dont get another cigarette? its like willfully, deliberately WATERBOARDING yourself.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/434/ Sat, 31 Mar 2012 13:38:59 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever - Nina Simone - Feeling Good]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/433/Song-of-the-Whenever-Nina-Simone-Feeling-Good/ one of the best things about having close to 500 hours of music, is that youve always got a song for every occasion :)

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/433/ Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:26:55 PDT