TerraVirtua.com http://www.terravirtua.com/ The World According to Tim en-us Copyright (C) 1994-2012 TerraVirtua.com All rights reserved. Fri, 18 May 2012 07:27:43 PDT Fri, 18 May 2012 07:27:43 PDT TerraVirtua.com 60 http://www.terravirtua.com/assets/images/logo.gif TerraVirtua.com http://www.terravirtua.com/ <![CDATA[facebook and comments on the blog]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/452/facebook-and-comments-on-the-blog/ we may be adding the facebook-integrated commenting functionality to a client site shortly... and since weve never done it before, im not entirely sure what the issues with it might be. so, temporarily, i am going to add it to the blog and see what happens. the commenting will, quite likely, be utterly broken at first... and possibly, the entire blog may be down while im troubleshooting. dont be alarmed, i havent gone dark forever.

at least, not yet :) that may also be coming, im still up in the air about it. it seems sad to shut things down after almost 18 years of continuous operation but... i think its just about time. not today, but soon. although, thats a topic for another post.

[edit:]

ok appears to be working. presuming i decide to keep it, i will have to put something in so that the fb commenting interface only shows up for articles posted after a certain point. im not sure i WILL keep it, but i gotta say, its a lot easier to stick with it than to fix my broke-ass signup and authentication shit built in to the blog currently.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/452/ Wed, 16 May 2012 16:52:16 PDT <![CDATA[insomnia]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/451/insomnia/ it sucks.

i cant sleep lately. dunno why. i never used to have this problem, i used to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. as soon as my head hit the pillow, i was out like a light.

now? never happens. at least, not for maybe 8, 10, 12 days at a time, until i hit a wall of exhaustion and nearly drop right on the spot, wherever i happen to be or whatever im doing. hasnt happened yet, but im bound to hit that wall one of these days while im driving, and thats going to be a BAD DAY. instead i just toss and turn until i finally crawl out of bed and sit here staring at my monitor for no good reason like im doing now.

i suppose i could try to read or something, but i dont seem capable of doing that either. my concentration is shot, especially when im caught in this dim twilight of consciousness between waking and sleeping. cant concentrate on much of anything in general anymore, but certainly not at times like this.

ive tried pills, and they do work, sort of... they dont really help me sleep, but they sedate me to the point that i cant seem to drag myself out of bed, which in the end is probably at least half as good as actually sleeping... but they leave me feeling so crappy and out of it when i get up in the morning that i dont think the benefits outweigh the side effects. i suppose i could step it up a notch to something like ambien, but im concerned with what ive read about people doing all kinds of crazy shit while under the influence of ambien, and not remembering any of it the next day. and while im no doctor, im 100% dead positive i DO NOT need to be taking a powerful hypnotic under the influence of which i might do some kind of unknown random crazy shit that i wouldnt remember the next day. i guarantee that my subconscious mind FOR SURE does not need to be in the driver's seat, at all, for ANY period of time. it constantly fucks me around enough as it is without giving it the keys and saying "hey, go nuts!"

so, instead, i do this. i get up, i stare at the screen, and i bang out WALLS AND WALLS of text. i could fill a book with all the half-baked, sleep-deprivation-driven babble ive written lately... except i wouldnt want to, because in the cold light of day none of it makes a damn lick of sense. ill just type and type and type and type until eventually i cant hardly see the screen, and stumble off to bed (if i make it that far) where sleep will take me, briefly, before i have to try to pull myself back up and get ready to head out to work.

then i get home, and repeat the process all over again.

as much as its wearing me out... i really wish it would wear me out enough that i could SLEEP again.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/451/ Tue, 15 May 2012 02:36:22 PDT <![CDATA[a good end to a good week]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/450/a-good-end-to-a-good-week/ for the first time in a long time, i had a totally great week.

i dont mean, there wasnt anything that went on that i didnt like, or what have you. there is always that. i just mean, for the first time in a long time, i didnt have any periods where i just felt... off. out of whack. anxious, or stressed, or depressed, or mad, or just generalized non-targeted unspecific weirdness.

in other words, im feeling like myself again. i think my internal state is normalizing. this year has thrown me off my game in a big way, and i feel more different today compared to this time a year ago, than i did between 20 and 30. seriously. thats a lot to cram in a short period of time, and the last moments where i really finally broke apart and molted the last 10 years kind of all came at one time... but i think the new skin is finally beginning to settle in and feel like my own.

frankly, its not a moment too soon, because i no shit began to genuinely question my mental health for a while there. i mean, when youre so different you start to think of yourself almost in the third person, one has to wonder :) i just needed to re-integrate the new shape of things into my mental framework...

so, hooray. i wasnt sure it was ever going to happen. hopefully, ill be able to avoid fucking things up so severely again that i need another total mental/emotional wipe-reinstall-reboot again in my lifetime.

but somehow, i doubt it. i seem to have a real talent for it :)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/450/ Sun, 13 May 2012 21:38:51 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Stars - Dead Hearts]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/449/Song-of-the-Whenever-Stars-Dead-Hearts/ ive seriously got to find some less depressing shit to listen to... but... damnit, i really like stars.
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/449/ Thu, 10 May 2012 20:36:41 PDT <![CDATA[i knew him when...]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/448/i-knew-him-when/ go go lothos!! america needs more guys like you in politics!
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/448/ Wed, 09 May 2012 19:27:33 PDT <![CDATA[killing time (or: holy shit, i am bored)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/447/killing-time-or-holy-shit-i-am-bored/ so here is something ive been wondering about lately... what is it that people do with their time, when they have nothing to do with their time? i know, thats about as tortuously-worded a question as youre ever likely to encounter, and on the face of it, only barely makes sense (if that)... but i increasingly find myself with nothing to do with my time, and drawing blanks with how to fill it.

what boggles my mind (and i mean that, i literally sit here boggled as i type) is how i have so completely lost the ability to aimlessly kill time. i never USED to have this problem. i looked forward to the weekend, thrilled at the prospect of going an entire two days without seeing or speaking (or communicating in any way) with another human being. i would actually go out of my way to arrange it such that i had the best chance possible of achieving that goal: get all my grocery shopping done, make sure i didnt have anything i needed to do out and around town, turn off the phone, shut down google talk, refuse to open my email, etc... and i LOVED it.

how is it possible that ive gone from that, to being incapable of spending even an hour with nothing to do without going half out of my skull with boredom? now i actually HATE the weekends. im seriously considering taking a second job to work on the weekends. i mean, seriously, wtf? it makes. no. sense.

i feel like someone reached down, screwed the top off my skull, scraped out my brain, and replaced it with a stranger's brain. and ill be honest... i dont think i WANT my old brain back... but i have GOT to find a way to deal with the new one, and im failing pretty miserably at it right now. i am completely, utterly unequipped to deal with... whatever it is that has happened to me.

and while im thinking about it, what the fuck HAS happened to me?

i mean, i guess, if i think about, this IS what i wanted. i didnt want to be what and who ive been the last decade... but... like most things i do, i didnt stop to consider what that actually MEANT. it never occurred to me that i might hate the alternative even more. at moments like this, i DESPERATELY wish i could find my way back... but im starting to think i cant. ugh.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/447/ Sun, 06 May 2012 19:06:12 PDT <![CDATA[fucking google reader, and the RSS for the blog.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/446/fucking-google-reader-and-the-RSS-for-the-blog/ google reader is starting to piss me off. its gotten to where it picks things up almost the moment i post them, and in their entirety, which gives me no opportunity to change my mind. which normally id say is a good thing, but ill tell you, right about now its irritating the hell out of me because this is two times in a week i wanted to retract something and couldnt because of goddamn google.

so im going to modify the RSS feed to no longer include the full body of an article in the feed. if you want to read something, youll have to come here to read it. and if its gone, then you can rail at me for doing what ive railed against so many others for, and call me a damned hypocrite, because i am, and deserve that appellation.

but hypocrite or not, the full article bodies in the feed are going away, until i start remembering to UNCHECK the "published" box before i have a chance to review the posts.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/446/ Sat, 05 May 2012 07:10:12 PDT <![CDATA[so i bought a belt.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/445/so-i-bought-a-belt/ [edit: well, fuck. i was going to unpublish/delete this because i dont want to be whining about it, and because im frankly embarrassed that im being such a pussy about this. but fucking google reader picked it up already. it normally takes like an hour for it to get it, but oh no, not this time. fuck you google.]

pretty boring, right? the thing that bothers me is that i *needed* to buy a belt. now, for a fat guy, needing to buy a belt would be a good thing, youd think. and it would be. if i knew why i needed one.

well, i mean, i KNOW why i need one. i need one because my damn pants fell off my hips and down around my ankles in the grocery store parking lot, because i had my hands full with bags and couldnt hitch them up in time. these are the same pants that 4 weeks ago when i went to see tosh, i could barely fasten, and could only walk in if i sucked in. the same pants that i bought online in november, and discovered that their sizing was a little different than the sizing of my current pants (and as an aside, what kind of bullshit is that? an inch is an inch is a goddamn inch, id think). the ones that werent just a little too small, but a full 4 inches too small, the ones that looked like an overstuffed sausage casing the one time i tried them on. theyre way too big now. baggy on my legs, and about 2-3 inches too small on my waist.

let me remind you: from about an inch too small to 2-3 too large. in FOUR WEEKS. and no, im not working out.

i think its time for me to stop dancing around this. theres something really wrong with me. (shut up, ed, i mean medically.) friday, i stood up, and had to sit right back down, because i almost lost consciousness. i know i need to go to the doctor again, but probably all theyre going to do is poke me with more needles. what i really probably need to do is get the sewer snake run up my ass... im beginning to wonder if what got my grandpa, and what my aunt just recently beat, is about to get me.

but i havent done it because, damn me for a fool and a coward, im SCARED. its so stupid. i mean, i KNOW its stupid. i can fully grasp, on an intellectual level, that i need to do this. but im afraid of what im going to find out. actually, im pretty sure of what im going to find out. but its almost like, if i dont KNOW it, if i dont get it confirmed, well... i can pretend otherwise. i dont even want to post THIS, because it feels like if i do ill make it real. so dumb.

but i cant keep pretending that i dont have that vague, dislocated feeling in my proprioception that says "something is wrong"... so, monday, im going to schedule a colonoscopy. ugh.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/445/ Sat, 05 May 2012 06:55:08 PDT <![CDATA[time and relativity (no, i dont mean einstein)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/443/time-and-relativity-no-i-dont-mean-einstein/ im talking about the funny nature of time, and its perception.

when i was a kid, time was felt entirely differently. the span of time between 7 years old starting school and 17 years old when i graduated felt like a hundred years. it felt like a lifetime, i guess because it WAS a lifetime, at that point. the six weeks between report cards felt like a year does now.

contrast that with the last 10 years of my life, between my 30th and now, and those 10 years feel barely like a year. i absolutely CAN NOT wrap my head around the fact its been TEN YEARS. i dont see how its even POSSIBLE.

however when i stopped to think about it, i realized that this last year (i just hit my anniversary date at my new job) has felt as long as the other nine years before it... and in particular, the 4 months of THIS year felt 3 times as long as the 8 months before it. ive really been pondering the WHY of this for a few reasons, but primarily because whatever it is, it seems like the only practical form of "life extension" we have available to us. im terrified that the NEXT 10 years will go even more quickly than the last, and that in terms of perception, im going to live another "relative" 5 years and suddenly find myself elderly and near death. and i dont use the word "terrified" lightly here.

when idly talking about this with my mom, she gave her opinion as to why. she said the perception of time is directly related to the amount of new experiences you are accruing. and damned if i dont think shes absolutely right. when youre a kid, EVERYTHING is a new experience. youre constantly bombarded with stuff... new knowledge, new social experiences, new places, new people, new things to do. once you hit adulthood, and enter the workforce, the pace tapers off dramatically. you wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. you mix it up now and then with a party here, a happy hour there, but even those quickly become rote activities. with the exception of the fairly rare major life event like getting married or buying a house, you live, but you arent LIVING.

i realize now that by not starting a family and having children, ive missed out on more than just the expected kind of personal fulfillment that goes with it... i have literally SHORTENED MY PERCIEVED LIFESPAN. while the experiences your children have are kind of lived by proxy, theyre still new, they still add to your life on a steady basis in fairly unpredictable ways... they, literally, extend your life. unfortunately, ive come to accept that at this point, that boat has sailed. its something im coming to deeply regret, and i grieve for the loss.

instead, im now going to have to try doubly hard to make do with what i DO have. i think i actually already realized this on a subconscious level and its been driving haphazardly driving my behavior over the last year, but now that im beginning to internalize it i know that ive got to do better at it, and be more conscious of it. i need to try very hard not to pass up opportunities for new experiences, and more, i need to deliberately begin to seek them out.

i need to travel more, try more things, meet more people, learn more stuff, feel more things... before i wake up and find myself dead next year, relatively speaking.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/443/ Sun, 29 Apr 2012 08:11:45 PDT <![CDATA[what a week... hell, what a MONTH.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/442/what-a-week-hell-what-a-MONTH/ many of you know that my life has been turned upside down the last few weeks. for those who dont, im going to try to catch you up here, since ive been neglecting the blog for fucking facebook (ugh)

some of it you know, from being posted here... basically i gutted my house right down to the bare walls and foundation, and divested myself of almost all my worldly goods. this proved to be far FAR more psychically stressful than i would ever have imagined before i embarked on this effort. less obvious to those who arent my friends in day to day life is the other shit that has been going down at the same time... some of which includes what has been a simultaneous re-evaluation and remodel of my life, which, like the remodel of the house has been a long time in coming. in many ways, my internal state has mirrored the state of my house, and the work internally also reflected externally... and both have been fundamentally changed by my experiences over the last year, culminating in a few of the most tumultuous, trying weeks of my life. not EVER, but damn near.

i do believe however, that as stupidly difficult, stressful, expensive, gut-wrenching, embarrassing and/or painful (depending) the events of the last several weeks have been, it was all necessary. might not have been for someone else, but for me... yes, absolutely necessary. i really dont think i could make forward progress without a scorched-earth slash-and-burn scouring of my world. i needed to be destroyed, so i could shake off the remnants of the past and begin building anew for the future.

and this week, its all finally started to bear fruit.

while my house is still in a state of disarray, things have started to come together. all the interior paint has been redone (and in a color! ok, so its just a very light neutral color, but still for me thats pretty radical), many of the interior repairs have been taken care of, its cleaner inside than probably since the day i bought the place (thank you, cecile!), and i have brand new living room furniture (and a tv. which i actually watched for about 10 minutes)... it isnt there yet, and probably wont be for a long time (i have a list as long as my arm of things to get done, and limited funds in which to do them) but... it is starting to feel like HOME again.

(see here and here for photo galleries that i will try to keep updated as things progress)

and, as hoped, i am experiencing a similar internal reorganization and rebuilding. right now, this moment, i feel better than i have in a long, LONG time. im beginning to feel like, for the first time in over 10 years, i am finally getting my emotional house in order. there was a lot of old, tired shit banging around inside ME as well, shit thats been barely bottled up for a while and was literally KILLING me slowly and by degrees, that i feel like ive finally managed to come to terms with. my sincerest thanks to my close friends for helping me with this psychic housecleaning, i mean it when i say i couldnt have done it without you. i know ive driven each of you a little bit nuts over the last several months, in different ways... but your kind, patient tolerance as i worked through this crap has done more for me than you will ever know. i could live the rest of my life trying and probably never adequately discharge this debt. probably the best i will be able to do, is to not waste it. to be the kind of person youve all shown faith that i have the ability to be. i hope that will be enough.

although, if you show up at my back door with a dead hooker in the trunk... well, ill just grab a shovel and a bow-saw, and not ask any questions. then the debt will *absolutely* be paid :)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/442/ Sun, 22 Apr 2012 00:59:54 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Ministry - Just One Fix]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/441/Song-of-the-Whenever-Ministry-Just-One-Fix/ seems appropriate, what with all the talk of habits and addictions :)
(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)
edit: no wonder i was so pissed off all the time when i was younger... even now i listen to this, and it all comes rushing back. i start to feel like smacking someone at random :) im not a big believer in that whole "kids go crazy from video games and music!" thing, but... this album makes me wonder.

incidentally, psalm 69 was unquestionably ministry's peak... and goddamn what an amazing concert that was. damn i feel old, i dont even want to KNOW what year that was in...

actually i dunno, on second thought, "the mind is a terrible thing to taste" might have been better. hard to say.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/441/ Tue, 03 Apr 2012 20:59:50 PDT <![CDATA[on weapons: the sword of death is also the sword of life]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/440/on-weapons-the-sword-of-death-is-also-the-sword-of-life/
The old warriors said, "Weapons are a necessary evil and Heaven detests them. Use them only when there is no other possibility." It is the nature of Heaven to give life and nourish all things, and any weapon used to kill, whether it is a sword, bow, or naginata, is in direct conflict with the will of Heaven. Since these are used to kill Heaven's beloved children, Heaven hates them.

We must also consider that weapons are instruments of Heaven's wrath and judgment. In the natural cycle of things, spring breezes bring life and greenery to the earth, but the winter frost destroys the life that the spring brings. Heaven's love and judgment follow this same path. It makes sense to put a stop to evil because human beings will take advantage of an opportunity to commit evil, and once that evil is revealed it must be judged. For this purpose, weapons are also approved by Heaven.

A single tyrant may kill or torture thousands of innocent people. If you can save the thousands from death or torture, is it not best to kill that one man? In this way, the sword of death is also the sword of life.

-- The Secret Teachings of Yagyu Munenori


look for a longer post on this topic later... because i think its an important one. possibly, one of the most important ones.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/440/ Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:02:37 PDT <![CDATA[habit]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/439/habit/
hab·it /ˈhabit/
Noun:
A settled or regular tendency or practice, esp. one that is hard to give up


habit is a funny thing. ive heard it said that the overwheming majority of human activity is driven almost entirely by habit, that we operate almost continuously in a hypnagogic state akin to waking sleep, simply going through the motions. i suspect this is an exaggeration, but there is no question habits play a powerful role in our lives, often in ways we dont fully understand.

recently, i have found myself struck by how quickly habits form, even from little things, how little i tend to notice them when carrying them out, and how strongly they affect me when they arent indulged. i am really starting to HATE that vague feeling of something being... not quite right. that uncomfortable feeling that you should be doing something that you arent, like youre forgetting something important.

im not just talking about BIG habits, like smoking, either. even little things like how you brush your teeth can produce the same kind of sensation. try it, next time you brush. start on the opposite side, top or bottom, just try doing it DIFFERENTLY. you wont believe how uncomfortable it is.

the reason i bring this up is that i am realizing personal change is almost exclusively an exercise in breaking habits... and holy shit, is it hard to do. im beginning to believe it is possible to try to change too much at one time, because all that generalized discomfort starts to pile up, and stop being a "vague" feeling and turn into an utterly crushing, almost debilitating sense of WRONGNESS that hangs around with you all the time. habits feel good, they feel comfortable, they feel RIGHT...

and trying to ignore them, to just NOT INDULGE them, is frankly depressing the hell out of me. theres got to be a better way to do this...]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/439/ Mon, 02 Apr 2012 21:23:37 PDT <![CDATA[oh, and on the volume of posts lately]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/438/oh-and-on-the-volume-of-posts-lately/ with the exception of the most recent post, a lot of these have been kicking around half-formed in google docs for a while, and lacking much to do (that i WANTED to do, anyway) and having too much nervous energy over the last couple of days i decided to finish them off and post them. i expect the posts to return to their more usual almost-never frequency and vapid nature fairly soon. in the mean time, until i get it all out and on the screen, feel free to skip the mammoth walls of text. for the most part, theyre not going to be that entertaining or meaningful to anyone but me anyhow.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/438/ Sat, 31 Mar 2012 22:53:42 PDT <![CDATA[impulse and regret]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/437/impulse-and-regret/ i have GOT to learn to get my impulsive nature under control. although, in truth, i doubt that is even possible. i have this weird dichotomy going on in my personality, whereby on the one hand, i will analyze, dissect, examine, and overthink a thing to death... and on the other hand, especially if i find myself feeling frustrated or obstructed by some kind of problem, i will get to where i hate any form of inaction and delay, and will very quickly, in a very broad and often not very accurate fashion, try to identify the potential outcomes, evaluate their likelihood and risks, select one as the targeted goal, choose a course of action that seems to point roughly in that direction, and then just fucking DO IT. this is, in a nutshell, the whole of my personality, and has been all my life. and neither one of these aspects are particularly GOOD for me.

when dealing with relatively non-threatening, non-confrontational things, ill dither and delay, spending an endless amount of time in mostly useless speculation and analysis, to the point that at best nothing gets done, and at worst ive wasted so much time and thought on something to no purpose that i miss an opportunity or somehow get so far away from a useful perspective that when i do find myself in a position to take action, i do something completely retarded.

conversely, if a situation is threatening or confrontational, i immediately get all aggro, dont give enough (or any) quality thought to it, and go off half-cocked. and god help me if i find myself in the situation where something WAS in the previously non-threatening category and been overthought to death, then somehow moves INTO the second category, because brother thats when the fun stuff really starts... i go off half-cocked based on a totally fucked up overworked mental model, getting the absolute worst of both worlds, and typically set the whole thing up in such a way that there is NO GOING BACK. its like my impulsive self somehow KNOWS that the other half of me is going to lose the courage of its convictions half-way through, so while its in control, its going to burn every bridge it possibly can to ensure i have no choice but to stay committed to whatever damn fool thing i did. whats the worst is, i almost always KNOW that im about to do it, because ive done it so many times before, but the crazy one is in the driver's seat screaming "HELL YEAH LETS GET RETARDED!! WOOOOOO!" while i cringe against what i know is coming, fairly helpless to stop it.

combine this with my tendancy to not do something part-way, but fully commit to whatever retarded thing ive decided to do, and do it dialed all the way up to 11, and you have a recipe for disaster. now, ill admit, this worst-case perfect storm scenario doesnt happen all that often... but it happens often enough to be a real problem. and when it does, it tends to go wrong in SPECTACULAR ways. it has cost me jobs, cost me relationships, cost me money, cost me at one time or another damn near any given thing a man can lose that you care to name.

witness my recent great purge. combine years of maudlin contemplation on my relative unhappiness and the dwindling time in which to do anything about it, with the fairly sudden realization that OMG im about to hit the big 40 and have pissed 10 years of my life down a hole, and what happens? i realize something has to change, i dont know exactly what or how, so i decide to go balls to the walls and change EVERY DAMN THING POSSIBLE. i wake up one morning and decide to toss almost everything i own, gut my house right down to the foundation, and start going out boozing multiple nights a week (which is frankly pathetic)...

in time, the impulsive side runs out of steam (you can only maintain that level of intensity for so long before it begins to peter out), and sometimes, if im REALLY lucky, when it senses the intensity beginning to wane it will make one last dramatic surge and leave me with some kind of lovely fucked up parting gift, as if to say "thank you for playing, and have fun dealing with THIS one!"

this leads inevitably to regret when some semblance of normalcy re-exerts itself... and thanks to that whole burning bridges thing, im almost never in a position to take any of it back, its too late, now im left to deal with the aftermath as best as i can. i find myself wandering around an echoey, bare-floored, flat fucking empty house, having to re-buy a lot of useful stuff i should have hung on to in the first place, and wondering... now what? and even better, i did in fact get a lovely parting gift, delivered so close to the last moment of poor impulse control that i almost IMMEDIATELY wished i could snatch it back, as i hear the laughter of my lunatic alter-ego fading in the distance.

the crazy thing of it is, somehow, most of the time the wacky shit i do somehow turns out pretty good... but in all honesty, i think ive really outdone myself this time. this whole situation has to be (dear god, please let it be) the crowning glory of all of them. kipling said:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
...
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!


well i am here to tell you... that is one hundred percent, unadulterated BULLSHIT. what youll be is broke as hell and HAVE NO DAMN SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE. and also, probably have a hell of a hangover and a really bad case of "omfg did i really just do/say what i think i did?" :)

sigh... yep, ive really got to try harder to reign that shit in.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/437/ Sat, 31 Mar 2012 22:35:29 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever - Blackland Prairie Boys - Blackjack County Chains]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/436/Song-of-the-Whenever-Blackland-Prairie-Boys-Blackjack-County-Chains/ just goes to show you can make great music without a rhythm section.

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And heaven help me to forget that night in the cold cold rain
When we beat him death with thirty-five pounds of Blackjack County chain

]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/436/ Sat, 31 Mar 2012 17:27:17 PDT <![CDATA[addicition and withdrawal]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/434/addicition-and-withdrawal/ it occurs to me that not everyone (perhaps not most) understand just how shitty withdrawal from an addiction really is. you try to explain it, but you can tell from the look on their face that they dont really understand what it is youre going through. i think it serves as an indicator of how difficult it is to explain if you consider that im reasonably good at painting pictures with words, and people STILL dont get it, no matter how many different ways i try. it leads me to question whether it is even possible, and yet, i find myself compelled to try, one more time. i think im going to go at it a little differently this time though.

first, id like to give a little background on the actual pharmacological action of nicotine on the brain.

nicotine is a stimulant, as i think everyone knows, and it does all the things one would expect a stimulant to do. but it also has an additional affect: it acts directly on the reward center of the brain. now, when you talk about the reward center in a clinical sense, you arent talking about the normal kind of "reward" that most people think of... like, say, feeling good about a job well done, or what have you. no, the reward center is the part of the brain that responds to and reinforces the most BASIC required functions for moment to moment SURVIVAL. it is a very old, very primitive part of the brain. it is primarily concerned with little things, like breathing, eating, fucking, and shitting. almost amoeba-level actions. every time you take in a breath, the reward center releases a little hit of pleasure, saying "yep, thats good, breathing is good, keep on doing it. so, you know, you dont DIE or something"...

now introduce nicotine into the mix. nicotine, when introduced to the body, ALSO gives the reward center a little pop. in a very short time, the brain integrates the action of receiving a hit of nicotine as an ESSENTIAL SURVIVAL FUNCTION, right along side BREATHING. if you get your nicotine by smoking, it is even worse, because it ties TWO survival functions together, very tightly. every time you take a breath, the brain expects to also get a little pop from receiving nicotine. if it doesnt get it, it begins to grow... concerned. if it doesnt get it for long enough, it becomes convinced you are dying.

to get some idea of just how powerful the compulsion is, id like you to try holding your breath. go on, give it a shot, right now while you are reading. dont stop, just keep reading. doing it? good.

after a very short span of time, well before you begin to experience the physical effects of oxygen deprivation, you will begin to feel very uncomfortable in a way that is difficult to describe. you know something is wrong. you know there is something you should be doing, something you really NEED to be doing. you will begin to experience anxiety over not doing it. just a little bit, at first, nothing you cant overcome by thinking your way through it.

then, youll begin to get physical indications that something is wrong. your lungs will begin to burn. youll find it increasingly difficult not to breathe, even though you are trying hard not to. you STILL arent suffering the effects of oxygen deprivation, that actually takes a while, but the reward center is starting to wake up and say "hey. dumbass. you seriously need to take a breath, probably real soon now." and it will begin to dump anxiety into your system, in increasing quantities.

it is now only a question of time as to how long before your intentional control is overridden, and the body takes over, forcing you to inhale. i suspect it is actually impossible for you to hold your breath until you pass out, even for the most disciplined among us. you ARE going to breathe, because you have no choice in the matter. and eventually... you will.

so that is some SMALL measure of what goes on. thats what a smoker begins to experience about two to four HOURS after not getting a pop of nicotine. and remember, this is a VOLUNTARY action, like holding your breath, no one is making you do it, and yet, you have to keep on holding it... for hours, for days, for months, for YEARS to come.

then, it starts to get really bad.

lets take the experiment further. you probably wont be able to actually carry out this part, in fact i wouldnt advise it even if you could find someone that would participate. but... now imagine that you no longer are voluntarily holding your breath. someone is choking you. holding your head under water. again, at first, you can deal with this just fine. its uncomfortable, but not so terrible you cant stand it. however, in a minute or two, you get to the point where youve decided, ok, enough is enough, the experiment is over, its time to breathe now, and you indicate as much to your experimental partner.

however... they dont let go. the continue to choke you out, to hold you under. youre beginning to get a little concerned that they dont understand, they are supposed to let you go now. you give them a look, or maybe slap the side of the water tank with your hand. you try to express "come on now, seriously, we are done, i get it".

and still, they dont let go.

now, you are beginning to panic in earnest. you cant breathe. your chest is constricting, your heart begins to pound. you start to realize youre going to take a breath of water if you dont get to air soon. you begin to struggle, with purpose at first, then with a will, thrashing, kicking, hitting, doing anything you can to get to that sweet, life-giving air.

and still, they dont let go.

you realize... you are dying. not tomorrow, not next week or next year, but RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! you HAVE to get air! your very EXISTENCE is threatened, you will do ANYTHING required to get just one more brief gasp of life.

and STILL they dont let go.

now, consider for a moment... when i am quitting smoking, i dont have anyone hanging on to my neck, no one is holding my head under water... only *I* am here, doing this, forcing myself not to breathe, not to breathe, not to breathe, even though i feel like i will DIE if i dont get another pop of nicotine. i dont just "feel" like it, my brain is ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED of it.

and somehow, through sheer force of will, i am supposed to continue not to breathe.

THIS is what a smoker deals with. and THAT happens around the SECOND DAY. it actually gets WORSE from there.

is anyone really surprised that i would slip, that it would take two, three, or more attempts before i manage to actually hold my breath for so long my brain stops being convinced im going to die if i dont get another cigarette? its like willfully, deliberately WATERBOARDING yourself.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/434/ Sat, 31 Mar 2012 13:38:59 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever - Nina Simone - Feeling Good]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/433/Song-of-the-Whenever-Nina-Simone-Feeling-Good/ one of the best things about having close to 500 hours of music, is that youve always got a song for every occasion :)

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/433/ Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:26:55 PDT <![CDATA[its done.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/432/its-done/ so, there was a little bit of a miscommunication between me and the crew that hauled off my life today... i said, DONT do the garage. but something was lost in the language barrier... when i got home... well, the garage was empty too.

i had about 200 dollars worth of shitty tools that i dont mind replacing, and theyll go to charity, so thats ok. but what really shocked me, is there were about 7 moving boxes full of... god knows what, shit i THINK i never unpacked from the last time i moved 12 years ago... and about 4 boxes of shit that was the detritus of abour 4 jobs (whenever i left a job, i usually just took the box of random office shit out of the trunk and put in on top of yet another box of random office shit)...

now, the simple fact that i cant name for you even ONE THING that was in those boxes should serve as an indicator that it needed to go. but... the difference is, with the stuff in the house, i KNEW what was going. i had a chance to make my peace with it... finding the garage empty and swept... well, that was kind of a shock.

but im over it. this is what i wanted, and as it turned out... everything really DID go :) which is probably for the best.

doing this (and having the shock of even more gone than you expected) really hammers home the whole point of what i am doing:

I AM MORE THAN MY STUFF. that the important things in my life are the people in it. other than my cat, there is nothing in this house that i cant live without. but i absolutely COULD NOT live without the people in my life that have been here for me, shared my experiences with me, know my history, care about me, and support me, every day, in a hundred small ways.

so really, i am thankful the garage got wiped out too... because it put a powerful, tangible bit of punctuation at the end of my old life... not a managed, sterile break, but a genuinely CLEAN break.

as usual, everything in my life works out to my greatest benefit. truly, among all men, i am most richly blessed.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/432/ Mon, 26 Mar 2012 15:23:26 PDT <![CDATA[fresh starts...]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/431/fresh-starts/ so, tomorrow the crew arrives, and basically takes away everything i own.

i spent most of yesterday going through the house making sure i didnt miss anything that couldnt be replaced, like photo albums... and in the course of that, i found myself cherry-picking things, saying, well, i cant get rid of THAT! or THAT! nope, not THIS either!

and so the collection of stuff "saved" began to grow, from one packing box, to two, to almost three. this morning, i realized what i was doing, and emptied out those boxes, keeping only maybe three things with genuine sentimental value.

now that it gets closer to actually happening, im getting more and more apprehensive about it. its a hard thing, to divest yourself of everything youve accumulated over the course of 20 years... far harder than i would have expected it to be.

i made a commitment to starting over this year, to changing the direction of my life, to not let who i WAS forever dictate who i could be... and its one of those things that is easy to say, and even easy to do on a superficial level... to do something like, say, quit smoking or get out more, then stand up and declare "yep, im DIFFERENT now, for sure!"... but really those are pretty minor. you can easily just... stop doing those things, and be right back where you were, in safe and familiar and comfortable territory.

but THIS... this is another thing entirely. theres no going back from getting rid of virtually everything you own. i mean, at the end of monday, i will actually have less "stuff" than i had when i moved into my first apartment at 19! this is the point where the commitment gets REAL... and im a little bit scared.

not so much of losing my stuff. i can get more stuff. the world is full of stuff waiting to be acquired. no, i think its mostly what it symbolizes, and what it portends for the rest of the commitment to change. im going to have to give up more than old "things"... ive got to do the same kind of house cleaning internally that i am doing externally... and how much harder is it going to be, to get rid of cherished and familiar patterns of thought and behavior than it is to get rid of an old couch?

i think the thing that scares me most is... not knowing how. i want to be happy, you know? i want to feel full inside. and what ive been doing the last 20 years isnt getting it done. but im just as clueless now as i was 20 years ago about how to get there from here.

however, i am a big believer in the "sink or swim" school of change, so even though a large part of me wants to call it off tomorrow, im not going to do it. im going to come home monday to a fresh, empty home, ready to be refurbished and filled up again... and hope that i can produce, in sympathetic fashion, the same kind of change internally.

everything... must... go.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/431/ Sun, 25 Mar 2012 07:47:19 PDT <![CDATA[best death scene ever...]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/430/best-death-scene-ever/ this clip cracks me up every time i watch it... the expression on the guy's face right at the end is absolutely priceless.

this, folks, is acting! lol

]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/430/ Wed, 21 Mar 2012 20:23:09 PDT <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Perry Ferrel - Song Yet to be Sung]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/429/Song-of-the-Whenever-Perry-Ferrel-Song-Yet-to-be-Sung/ how do you know when you have too damn much music? when you (regularly) run across favorite songs that you havent heard come up in rotation in so long, you have completely forgotten about them. i dont know where exactly the line is, but im pretty sure that 474 hours of music is well over it.

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/429/ Wed, 21 Mar 2012 09:10:34 PDT <![CDATA[The Rules: #1-3]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/428/The-Rules-1-3/ over the weekend, a friend and i were discussing my personal "Rules," the axioms and principles around which i (try very hard) to structure my decision-making, ethics, and behavior... and i realized that although i talk about them a lot, ive never really codified them in any form. i think its pretty important to have a record of these kinds of foundational things, because without it you can forget about important parts of them, or not realize how they have shifted with time (perhaps to your detriment)... also, i think its important just to affirm that you HAVE rules, that youre at least attempting to be guided by more than random happenstance.

because this is a non-trivial undertaking, because there are a LOT of them (well, maybe not so many, but more than just a few), and because honestly i cant come up with all of them right off the top of my head (although i should be able to, see above) ill be breaking these into pieces, probably spread out over quite a lot time. the first few will come fairly quickly, because theyre the "prime directives" as it were, and are always right up front in the thought-process-loop.

for the 3 regular readers i still have, this may not be that interesting. youve probably already heard me talk about these rules at one time or another, probably more than once. for the random readers that wander across this blog from time to time, feel free to use them or dont. if there is a common theme in the rules, its one of free will and personal responsibility, so make your own decision about what is useful to you.

that said, without further ado: the rules.

these first three are the main underpinning of my entire ethical/actional framework. i evaluate virtually everything i do in their context, even seemingly trivial things, and as such they almost operate below the level of consciousness except in the occasions where i am having to seriously deliberate on a course of action.

#1 - Always know WHAT you're doing.

on the surface of it, you would think this is pretty obvious, right? i mean, how can you do something and not know youre doing it? easy, it happens to people all the time. even me, and when you consider how hard i try to be aware, imagine how much worse it is when you arent making an effort. most of the time even the least-introspective people have SOME sense of what they are doing, but often not an understanding of the fullness of their actions... this rule requires that you, to whatever extent possible, FULLY grasp what you are doing, from the large to the small, in all its component parts, for any given decision/action. an adherence to this rule should lead to a greater awareness of the internal forces behind your actions, and a greater awareness of any potential consequences arising from them... which ties in to the next two rules.

#2 - Always know WHY you're doing it.

yet another seemingly obvious one, and yet i am continually amazed how many people, when really pressed, cannot come up with WHY they did something (past "because i wanted to")... it seems like most people work on an almost entirely subconscious level at all times, utterly unaware of their own internal motivations or reasoning (where reasoning even exists)... if you dont understand why you do a thing, there is a reasonably good chance you arent even aware you are doing it (see #1) and you almost certainly arent going to be ready to accept responsibility for it (see #3)... honest examination of why you do things helps keep you on an even keel and makes it harder for you to be manipulated by both your own internal irrationalities, and by external influences (often, people)... you cant act as a free agent (as much as anyone ever is) under your own free will if you dont understand the why of what you do.

#3 - Always be prepared to accept the consequences for your actions, even if those consequences are unintended or unanticipated!

Actions (that is, things that happen in the world) and decisions (things that happen internally, and often lead to actions) have consequences. sometimes the consequences are so small as to be irrelevant for all practical purposes. sometimes the consequences are so major as to be life-changing (both for yourself and for other people). mostly, they fall somewhere in between. If you have been evaluating your actions with the first two rules of the prime triumvirate, odds are, the potential range of consequences are probably well enumerated and understood. before taking an action or making a decision, you should be willing to accept those consequences. if you arent, its a good bet you should be doing whatever it is youre about to do, no matter how badly you might want to. however, it isnt enough to merely be willing to accept the consequences you expect... you have to accept that you have imperfect information, and that there are always factors outside your control that can influence outcomes... just because they were unexpected or unanticipated doesnt let you off the hook. you accept those consequences, make decisions on how to deal with them, and begin a new action cycle, in accordance with these rules all over again. it is a continual feedback loop.


these are the core directives, and the first... however, these rules werent enough. they merely formed an OPERATIONAL framework, not a MORAL or ETHICAL framework. these rules help me to be more aware, clear, and directed... but not be a better person. you could easily conduct, say, a campaign of genocide under these rules, or be a psychopath, or serial rapist... and probably be very effective at it.

i realized i needed more to guide me to who i wanted to be... and that will come in future installments.]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/428/ Mon, 19 Mar 2012 17:30:51 PDT <![CDATA[Song(s) of the Whenever - Florence and the Machine]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/427/Song-s-of-the-Whenever-Florence-and-the-Machine/ taking a break from continuously working my ass off (yes, at 10:30pm, the second night in a row) to post some tunes.

im not normally into the gothic stuff, but florence and the machine do it for me for some reason. i think its a combination of the production values, the lush arrangements, and florence herself... that chick has some pipes.

of course, subject matter is typical goth... werewolves:

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)

and ghosts:

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)

and the like (although to my knowledge she has avoided the low-hanging vampire fruit thus far)... also, the songs often take the standard goth tropes and turn them on their head, like instead of pining away for a werewolf lover, she is turned and wants to hunt him and eat his bloody heart. which i figure is probably more like what the reality of such a moon-crossed pairing would be, and appeals to me, somehow :)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/427/ Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:34:35 PST <![CDATA[Song of the Whenever: Sixteen Tons - Tennessee Ernie Ford]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/426/Song-of-the-Whenever-Sixteen-Tons-Tennessee-Ernie-Ford/ this SotW is a classic... a sparsely-arranged ode to the working man. whenever i hear this song, i think of my grandpa, both because he used to sing it from time to time, and because he was the kind of tough guy the song is about... even up into his late 70s, there isnt a doubt in my mind grandpa could have whipped my ass in a fight, and badly.

once, when i was a teenager and full of teen angst and rebellion and utter lack of respect for people who have sacrificed much for me and only want the best for me, i mouthed off to my grandmother. i dont remember what i said, but i do remember it was over the line. i knew as soon as it was out of my mouth, i had made a very very bad mistake. about half a second a later, grandpa came up out of his seat so fast the chair fell over, and before i even realized i was doing it i was hauling ASS down the street running hell bent for leather and not even bothering to look back. i knew i deserved an ass whooping... and i knew if he caught me, i was going to get one. i never again mouthed off like that to my grandma, not only because it was wrong or i was afraid of grandpa (although true on both counts) but because i realized for the first time she wasnt just my grandma... she was grandpa's WIFE. and ill be damned if i wouldnt have knocked the fire out of any young punk that dared to mouth off to my wife like that, too.

If you see me comin', better step aside
A lotta men didn't, a lotta men died
One fist of iron, the other of steel
If the right one don't a-get you, Then the left one will


yep... thats grandpa :) well, except for the "mind thats weak" part. grandpa wasnt just strong, he was smart as a whip...

(audio player omitted in RSS, please visit the article page)]]> http://www.terravirtua.com/articles/426/ Wed, 15 Feb 2012 09:06:33 PST