well, as most of you know, i turned 40 yesterday. its sort of difficult to believe that it came and went, just like that... it had loomed so large in my mind for so long that it almost felt... unreal. then before i knew it it was past... it is, honestly, a huge relief to be past it.

i will admit to being somewhat disappointed in myself over the whole thing. i honestly (and probably arrogantly) believed that i wasnt the kind of person to be affected by silly things like a fear of aging, that i was above the whole mid-life crisis thing. looking back on it, i realize now that it really started bothering me right at the tail end of last year... i think because i could pretend it was the distant future right up until it was in the same calendar year, at which point i couldnt ignore it anymore.

it was insidious and subtle, really. started with looking back over the last 10 years... my 30th birthday was a really good one, and still very clear in my mind, and it inevitably followed that i began sort of retracing my steps over the last 10 years. and frankly... they were a waste. the decade passed SO QUCKLY, it felt like about two subjective years, from the perspective of my 20-something self... and i began to realize that, while ive always accepted that one never knows when their end will come, even if you assume i DONT suffer an untimely death, i am now on the downward slope. more time lies behind me than ahead of me. and i had WASTED a full quarter of my time so far.

it depressed the hell out of me. seriously. just about as bad a depression as ive ever been in, second only to the period of time after my divorce. worse, i didnt even realize i was depressed... which means it wormed its way into my mind and affected nearly every aspect of my life. it compromised my judgement, it compromised my thought processes, it compromised my decision-making ability, it (of course) affected my mood, and it affected my appetite.

this led me to have the most rapid and large period of weight loss i have ever experienced. and because i didnt realize (or couldnt accept, see "arrogance" above) that i was depressed and that was what was causing it, i became concerned i was sick. which would stress me more, cause my appetite to further decrease, cause me to lose even MORE, and make me even more convinced i was sick. it became a self-reinforcing feedback loop.

combine that with my more unstable emotional state, and the self-induced body-blow to my psyche that resulted from one the most (possibly THE most) stunningly bad errors in judgement ive ever committed, and i found myself plunged into a pit of despair so bad i briefly even considered getting medication for it.

it wasnt all bad, though. part of my mid-life crisis included doing something i really SHOULD have done a long time ago, the clean-slate remodel of my home. of course i went way overboard with it, getting rid of everything i own and all but... hey, thats just how i roll :) chances are good it would have played out about the same even without the depression amping up and exaggerating my actions. im sure i would have enjoyed the experience a lot more though... it definitely wasnt healthy or helpful to my mental state to be sitting around in an EMPTY house with dusty concrete floors for almost two months, especially THOSE two months.

it also served to shock me back to life, to wake me up in a way i havent been in a long, long time. maybe not ever. i cant change the past, but i damn well can change my future, and i intend to do so... im ready to start living, instead of merely... waiting to die.

so im not 40 anymore. im exactly one day old. and by god, i intend the next 40 years to be LIVED. and with the help of my friends, people of truly the very finest quality ive ever met, i have no doubt they will be.

thank you, all of you.