it is difficult for me to believe that just two months ago, everything was different. it might seem like "just a few things" to someone watching from the outside, but from my perspective, it truly does feel like "everything"...

two months ago, i was just about as happy as i ever get. probably not all that high on the happiness scale for most people, but for me, i was feeling pretty damn good. at least, it seemed that way. i was... changing. waking up, like from a coma. in a burst of exuberance (and in classic "me" style) i decided it was time to do something drastic, to push things along, to jump in the deep end and see if i could swim.

i decided to remodel. the house, yes, but also me. im a believer in symbolism. i think we, as human beings, respond strongly to the right kind of symbolism. i believe internal changes can have a profound impact on your external world, and that external changes can bring about an equally profound impact on your internal self. and i especially believe that if you can get them both going at the same time, moving towards the same end, you can create a kind of symbolism-feedback-loop, where you resonate internally and externally, and the changes in each reinforce and amplify the other. under the right kind of circumstances, with the right kind of planning, this can be a powerful force for positive change.

im not known for planning, or waiting for the right kind of circumstances :)

what followed were two months of absolute turmoil and chaos. i think i did most things right, but i did a very few things very wrong, and in the process managed to throw myself so far out of whack that i truly began to despair of ever recovering. the deep end turned out to be very deep, indeed. but, like i always tend to do, i hit the bottom of the pool, paniced for a moment, then... kicked hard for the surface.

today, i finally broke through and took what felt like the first breath of air ive had in a long time.

right now, as i sit here, after having walked through the house a dozen times or more, i finally begin to feel like i am home again. not just in the physical structure that provides a roof over my head, but also in my own skin. after what i believe i can honestly say were the longest (and at moments, shittiest) 60 days of my life, i realize i actually feel... good. not great, not outstanding, but... good. and let me tell you, after the last few months... good is good enough.

ive still got a ways to go, theres still a lot left to be done... but i feel like the hardest, most costly part is over.

its good to be home.