pretty boring, right? the thing that bothers me is that i *needed* to buy a belt. now, for a fat guy, needing to buy a belt would be a good thing, youd think. and it would be. if i knew why i needed one.

well, i mean, i KNOW why i need one. i need one because my damn pants fell off my hips and down around my ankles in the grocery store parking lot, because i had my hands full with bags and couldnt hitch them up in time. these are the same pants that 4 weeks ago when i went to see tosh, i could barely fasten, and could only walk in if i sucked in. the same pants that i bought online in november, and discovered that their sizing was a little different than the sizing of my current pants (and as an aside, what kind of bullshit is that? an inch is an inch is a goddamn inch, id think). the ones that werent just a little too small, but a full 4 inches too small, the ones that looked like an overstuffed sausage casing the one time i tried them on. theyre way too big now. baggy on my legs, and about 2-3 inches too small on my waist.

let me remind you: from about an inch too small to 2-3 too large. in FOUR WEEKS. and no, im not working out.

i think its time for me to stop dancing around this. theres something really wrong with me. (shut up, ed, i mean medically.) friday, i stood up, and had to sit right back down, because i almost lost consciousness. i know i need to go to the doctor again, but probably all theyre going to do is poke me with more needles. what i really probably need to do is get the sewer snake run up my ass... im beginning to wonder if what got my grandpa, and what my aunt just recently beat, is about to get me.

but i havent done it because, damn me for a fool and a coward, im SCARED. its so stupid. i mean, i KNOW its stupid. i can fully grasp, on an intellectual level, that i need to do this. but im afraid of what im going to find out. actually, im pretty sure of what im going to find out. but its almost like, if i dont KNOW it, if i dont get it confirmed, well... i can pretend otherwise. i dont even want to post THIS, because it feels like if i do ill make it real. so dumb.

but i cant keep pretending that i dont have that vague, dislocated feeling in my proprioception that says "something is wrong"... so, monday, im going to schedule a colonoscopy. ugh.