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more information on the society pages, including a chart of the surveyed preferences and their ranking across several years for both genders.
id like to find more information about the methodology used to generate this data. the sad thing is, however rigorous, the data is bound to be flawed, primarily because the data is only as good as the people being questioned... and if there is one thing i know about people when it comes to relationship preferences, its that they lie about them.
i dont mean to imply that they lie about them deliberately, although of course some do. most of the time, though, they lie about them without even knowing it... the drive to pair, and mate, is so strong and primal and pervasive in our psyche that it influences our thought processes in both subtle and dramatic ways, often entirely beneath the level of conscious perception. what people want out of a mate changes constantly, often to suit the present qualities of their current mate (positively when happy in their pairing, and negatively otherwise) or whatever mate(s) they are currently pursuing... they morph continuously, acting as a kind of psychic armor for their higher-level thought processes, providing the illusion that THEY are in control of those preferences (and not their lizard hindbrain) and to avert cognitive dissonance by justifying the situation with their current or prospective mate(s).
the surveyed qualities in the report are all fairly "high-level"... that is to say, theyre reasonably complex qualities that arise out of (and are mostly relevant in the context of) the complex fabric of society... and just as that social fabric ripples and waves with changing circumstances, their relative rankings are also highly mutable across both long and short spans of time. i do believe, however, that there are other more basic qualities that lie at the foundation of the surveyed rankings, and are what truly drive our desires.
they arent complicated. we want to be accepted. we want to be valued. we want to understand another person and be understood in turn. we want to fulfill some sort of role (and this one is probably the hardest for people to be honest with themselves about... some want to dominate, some want to be dominated, some want to be in control or be controlled, some want to provide and some want to be looked after... whatever the role, we all have an idea of what it should be, what we want to fill, and how we want ourselves and our mates to fit in it)... we want a shared base of experiences and commonality of communication. and yes, we want to fuck. all other, more specific, higher-level qualities are secondary criteria, sublimations of the more basic desires.
we want to feel less alone... and we'll modify our preferences however we need to to achieve that goal, because not to put too fine a point on it, being alone fucking sucks.
so on that note: happy valentine's day. bah.
What I find interesting -- and which probably sounds terrible -- is the decision process I went through for my second marriage. My first marriage was all about feelings and love and infatuation and all that. My second had actual criteria. Not too many, not impossible... just five must-have traits that, if you didn't have these, I would not pursue, no matter how hot or interesting you were. I also prayed about it, which is my way of centering and strengthening myself to do the right thing, when necessary (ie, call it off).
I bet very few people actually do that -- make a reasonable criteria list, and pray/meditate. I blame actual porn (men) and emotional porn (women), ie equally ridiculous romance stories/talk show advice, for most of the relationship catastrophes that happen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJE_Sc1Wags
and lol at the sweet dreams... i didnt even realize i practically sang the refrain from it... i guess its another subtle influence.
weird thing, just now, thinking about that song dredged up a memory from when i was 12 years old... fully formed, as vivid as a movie, and mundane as shit. funny, the things that are lodged away in your mind, and the things that will jog them loose...
I wonder if that blogger has done any study of the seasonal relationships. There is a certain sector of males that break off relationships right before Thanksgiving and renew or replace the relationship right after Valentine's Day. This has the effect of minimizing the costs of the relationships. If the woman has a birthday in that period, BONUS!
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