i wasnt going to do this until tomorrow, but i cant sleep, and i need to talk, and i cant really call anyone at 3 in the morning, so im going to type until the jim beam kicks in.
my nearly-17-year-old orange tabby died tonight :( i got her as a tiny baby kitten, a gift from a friend that had just had a litter, when my ex-wife and i moved in to our first apartment... she was the sweetest cat ive ever known (matched only by her "sister" kali who died earlier this year)... all cats have personalities, but bast was in a league of her own. ive never met a cat that was so... i dont know how to put it. she was like a person. i swear to god she could understand spoken english, and i think she tried to speak it (in cat speak) as well... she wasnt just vocal, lots of cats are vocal... she SPOKE. after living with her 16+ years, every utterance's meaning was as clear as listening to someone speak... she didnt have 6 or 12 or even 50 distinct sounds, she had a whole vocabulary that she would even combine for more nuanced communication. and she didnt just meow at you, shed meow TO you... and respond. shed carry on whole conversations. if you had asked me 10 years ago, id have said that it was all in my head, it just SEEMED like she was communicating... but no, it wasnt my imagination... she both understood limited speech from me, and made very effective efforts to respond intelligently. not only was she the sweetest cat, she was the smartest ive ever met.
she was a sickly cat from the very beginning, in and out of the doctor's office her whole life... but she was always a fighter. she never gave in to things that would have done in a lot of other cats. but this time was too much for her. she developed congestive heart disease... aggravated by 16 years of second hand smoke from me... which is something ill carry guilt for the rest of my life about. ill NEVER smoke in the house when i have an animal again. in fact, im planning on trying to quit smoking again. watching her decline... i dont want to go out like that. anyway like i was saying, she was a fighter. even at the end, when she was barely able to breathe, she was hissing and spitting in the face of death. she didnt go silently into that good night... and while id wish for a peaceful end, i can respect clawing for every last breath... her decline was extremely rapid, in the space of about 4 hours she went from mostly ok to nearly dead. the meds just werent able to get the fluid in her lungs out faster than it was accumulating. if i had waited 30 minutes more, shed have died choking on her own juices, and im not proud of the fact it took me so long to do the right thing... i just... i wasnt ready to let her go. i loved that cat more than anything in the world... i know youre not supposed to have favorites, and it isnt like i loved her more than kali... but if i had to choose one... it would have been bast. letting her go is the hardest thing ive ever done, and im a total fucking basket case right now...
ive lost both my babies and i dont know what im going to do... i guess im going to take a few days to make the house ready for a new resident, then go to the shelter and find an adult cat that needs a home. everyone always wants the kittens and leaves the older cats... but somewhere out there, theres a cat that needs me as bad as i need them... and ill know them when i see them, i always do... i know ill love that cat as much as i loved my babies but... it wont be the same. i want my babies back :( i miss them so much :( :( :(
i want to post more about her, and pictures, but i just cant right now... ill try tomorrow...
i choose to believe theres a cat heaven, and that her sister was there waiting for her, and that theyre back together again and happy... i dont think i could get out of bed tomorrow if i believed otherwise...