one of my cats has been sick for a while now... when i took her in to the vet a week or so ago because of stomach problems, she was still doing pretty good, and had lasted WAY longer than the vet ever would have predicted. mammary cancer in cats is extremely aggressive. she had lost some weight, down to about 7.5 pounds from 10 when she was first diagnosed, but at the time, she was still pretty ok... still eating, still had energy, getting around, doing the things she normally did. my vet warned me that even so, when she started to decline, it would probably be fast... and probably be soon.



about last thursday night, she seemed to start losing her appetite. she ate, but not much, and not with much gusto. i was hoping she was just having a bad day (shed had them before) and would pick back up. when i got home from work friday, all the food was eaten, and i thought maybe thats all it was. but saturday it was the same again, just picking at her food. sunday all day, she seemed ok but suddenly sunday night, she threw up a lot of blood, crawled into her bed, and wouldnt come out.



she couldnt even be tempted by a treat, which she ALWAYS went crazy for, even on her bad days. and when i went to bed, she still wouldnt come out, and from the time i brought her home 16 years ago, she had never missed even one night sleeping with me on the bed. not one. i finally carried her, bed and all, into the bedroom, and slept with her by my head for the little bit of sleep i got.

i knew then that it was time. shes been sick for a long time now... but today, she got well.



it was the worst thing ive ever had to do. ive never felt as bad as i did then (and now), and ive felt pretty crappy before. theres a big empty screaming hole in the center of my chest where my heart used to be. ive read stories about how people pull their hair and tear their clothes and beat their chests in grief. i get it now.

i cradled her in my arms for the 5 hours before the appointment, and held her as they put her to sleep. i was the last thing she saw. i hope it was a comfort... i want to think shes in a cat heaven with lots of fish and string and treats and sunbeams... but i know shes not. shes gone. and my heart hurts so bad i cant even describe it.



i know no one cares about this stuff, but it makes me feel a little better to write it.

i got kali 16 years ago... i had just seen a dollar movie with my then wife. there was a pet supply store in the shopping center and we decided to stroll over there and take a look at the fish. they didnt normally sell pets there other than fish (it was called "wet pets") but that day, they had a big cardboard box in the middle of the store with 6-8 kittens in it. these were teeny tiny kittens, just opened their eyes not long ago. they were free with the purchase of a huge expensive bag of cat food.

i walked over to the box and looked over the side, and there was this one kitten that immediately ran over to the side and started trying to climb up the side of the box. she didnt meow as much as... well, yell, really... it was the funniest sound id ever heard from a cat, and just had to pick her up... she climbed up my shirt sleeve, across my chest, and into my pocket, where she promptly went to sleep.

in retrospect, i can see now that i fell in love with that cat instantly... she had stolen my heart along with my pocket. but at the time, we were POOR, and a $50 bag of cat food was a LOT. i tried to bargain with the clerk but to no avail, and finally i reluctantly dug her out of my pocket. she was so tiny, she fit in the palm of my hand... and she cried and cried when i put her back in the box. i didnt make it 20 feet out of the store before i turned around, went back in, and bought that bag of cat food.

from that day forward shed been a constant companion... a lap cat bar-none. she would greet me every morning, follow me into the bathroom, sit on the back of the toilet and talk to me while i showered, follow me as i got ready, and give me a cat-hug before i left. every day when i got home, shed greet me with a yell and another hug, then climb into my lap as soon as i sat down anywhere. then at night, she sing her weird yelling meow (she never did grow out of it) for a treat, and curl up on the bed beside me (when she wasnt trying to crawl under the covers)...

shes always been my little baby girl, and now shes gone. god i miss her so much. i love you baby...