i had BAD food poisoning monday, and i called the local health department to report it... thats who the cdc directed me to... theyre all disease people i guess. anyway, conversation went something like this:

health dept: you need to go to the doctor and HE will report it

me: dude, im over it now. he wont find anything

health dept: you need to go while youre sick

me: i couldnt make it to the CAR never mind the doctor!

health dept: well, you might not have had food poisoning…

me: no dude, it was definitely food poisoning. i felt like the devil’s juice box.

health dept: … you what?

me: you ever had a juice box before?

health dept: … yeah?

me: you ever give it a good squeeze? now imagine your body was the box and the devil jammed a straw all the way through you and…

health dept: ugh. i got it.

me: just squeezed until the juice…

health dept: got it

me: was gushing out both ends. that was me. the devil’s juice box.

health dept: …

me: you can put that in your report if you want.