at 10:30pm, my grandfather passed away. i am at once happy, and profoundly saddened. the last few months of my grandfather's life were very bad for him, as he became a mere shell of the vibrant, strong man he had always been. at the end, he refused treatment, and demanded he be allowed to go home. i will always be glad i had the opportunity to talk with him in one of the last moments he was lucid. i was able to tell him i loved him one last time, and tell him goodbye... and he had the chance to tell me not to worry about him, because he was ready to go, that he was ready for his pain to end.

you probably dont know my grandfather, and it makes me sad to know that youll never have the opportunity to know him... but i can remember him here, and let you see a little bit of the man i loved so much.

he was as close to me as a father. when my parents got divorced in my early teens, i pretty much fell apart (along with the rest of my world at the time) and started getting into trouble, flunking out of school, fighting, and just cocking up my life in general. my grandparents took me in when my mom couldnt deal with me, and i couldnt deal with my dad, and i dont know where i would be today if they hadnt. they sheltered me, guided me, and raised me throughout my teenage years, and on through college until i got married at 21... and they did it with more love and patience than i deserved.

he served our country in the second world war as an airman on a bomber in the european theater. id love to tell you more about this period of his life, but i honestly dont know that much. it wasnt something he talked about, ever. what i do know, is that from the time i moved in, until the time i moved out, he still woke up with screaming nightmares about the war... and i can tell you that my grandfather was one of the biggest pacifists ive known. the war unquestionably had a big impact on him, whatever happened. but dont confuse "pacifist" with "unwilling to fight"... my grandfather knew that sometimes you have to fight, and that peace was only maintained so long as there are those willing to ensure it with their lives, and had great respect and empathy for those who did so. i will forever respect his contribution to the freedom i enjoy today.

he was kind, honest, generous, tolerant, and forgiving. he was a believer in the idea that if you dont have something good to say, keep it to yourself, and i never heard him say a bad word about ANYONE, ever, in my entire life.

i have so many memories of him, i dont even know where to start. ill never forget him holding me in his lap and reading to me... anything and everything... the newspaper, highlights magazine, readers digest, national geographic, scientific american, even the hobbit. i owe my love of reading and knowledge to him. he wouldnt just read to me though, he would actually TALK to me about what we were reading... explain things to me in a way i could understand, and ask me what i thought. he was one of the few adults that treated me as a thinking, reasoning being even as a little child. he valued my opinions, and encouraged me to come to my own conclusions. this carried on throughout my life, pretty much every day when i lived with my grandparents we would spend dinner together watching the news and talking about the issues of the day.

it wasnt all intellectual though :) he also held me in his lap while he watched the rockford files... that man never missed a single episode of the rockford files! that, and johnny carson... man, he loved the tonight show.

the most amazing thing i remember though, is that he never disciplined me the whole time i lived with them. i had never really thought about it before, but its true... somehow, just knowing that i had failed to live up to the man he knew i could be was enough to keep me in line. mostly. i WAS a screwed up self-absorbed teenager, after all. he never tried to stop me from doing something stupid... and god knows, i did plenty... but he was always there to help me in the aftermath. specifically, to help me deal with the consequences of what i had done. he would never try to make them go away, instead he would support me and advise me and help me through cleaning up whatever new mess i had made of my life. he wouldnt let me off the hook, but he wouldnt beat me up over it either... hed just help me learn from it, and learn how to move on from it, and how not to fuck up in that particular way again. he taught me how to rely on myself, he gave me confidence in my OWN ability to get through life, and it has served me well...

sigh i could go on forever about how great he was... but in short, he was the finest man i have ever known. the world is a dimmer place without him in it.

i love you grandpa... im gonna miss you :( :( :(