i havent had a cigarette in 14.5 hours.

i feel like im dying. literally. thats what it feels like, like theres something terribly, HORRIBLY wrong with my body, like im starving myself or suffocating myself or something... i mean, it honestly feels very much like a non-stop panic attack...

and you know what the great thing is? its gonna get WORSE... a LOT worse, and soon... ive been trying to quit several times over the last 6 weeks, and so far, 18 hours is my record... because hour 18 is pretty much like hour 14, except twice as bad.

i quit once for almost 6 months, and i remember what it was like then... it gets even worse, and worse, and WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE until you think its NEVER going to stop, until about 3 days in, when it starts to taper off a little... and about a full week before the withdrawal stops being the overpowering, overriding impulse that dominates your entire waking life...

sigh im not going to make it. i never do. i dont even know why i bother trying anymore.