The world according to Tim - Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum

just a friendly reminder     (posted: 2008-07-01 21:58:17)
its not only not nice to steal other people's bandwidth by linking to their images instead of grabbing them and putting them on someplace like photobucket... its also fucking stupid. as you (you know who you are) have no doubt discovered :) Comments: 0 (view/post comments)

diablo: the story so far, as i remember it.     (posted: 2008-07-01 08:49:04)

i was going to post this as a reply to a comment on the blog below, but it got so long i decided, wtf, ill make it a blog post. this is the story, as i remember it. ive slept since then, so im sure some of the details are wrong, but this is the gist of it: rwiedeman (2008-06-30 15:01:22): What was the big deal about Diablo II? Maybe I didn't play it long enough to get there... but I remember this beautiful, dramatic intro, then the game was just a bunch of running around at birds-eye view and collecting treasure. Was there some story that came later in the game, and if so, how long into it? I remember how much you loved it, so there had to be more to it... you were the first person I'd met who had taken vacation days to play a video game. ;) (Later, I took one for Halo 2.) yeah, theres a ton of backstory for the game... but a lot of the problem is, you came into it in the middle... and the other problem being, the story is told in pieces from all the npcs as you go, so if you dont stop and read/listen to them, you miss it. and when you consider that youre looking at at least 30 hours to run through the game as a first-time player, thats a long damn time to spread the story out... so i can see that it would seem pretty thin, especially if you didnt have the first part of the story to begin with... an extremely condensed nutshell version: there are three realms: heaven, hell, and sanctuary. sanctuary is the mortal realm, and the buffer between heaven and hell. for centuries the armies of heaven and hell warred across the mortal realm. the problem being, that even though they could be killed when they were in sanctuary, every time any of the bad guys or good guys were killed, their souls just went back to heaven or hell and they started all over again. this was very bad for us mortals in sanctuary, as you can imagine. the only thing that kept the war from utterly eradicating sanctuary is the fact that its really hard for everyone to cross over and incarnate in the mortal realm, thanks to the worldstone. the worldstone is like a physical condensate of the energy that created the universe or some shit, and it basically acts like an anchor, keeping the realms apart. or something like that. anyway, there was a powerful group of mortal mages called the horadrim that decided they had had enough of this shit. with the aid of several angels from heaven, they cornered the three prime evils (diablo, bael, and mephisto) and bound their souls into shards from the worldstone, making them unable to return to hell and subsequently come back to sanctuary and start the whole fucking thing all over again. the problem is, the soul stones alone werent enough to hold the prime evils, and given time they would eventually escape. so, the three most powerful of the horadrim sacrificed themselves, driving the soul stones into their foreheads so that they might struggle with the prime evils for all eternity, keeping them bound to the mortal realm, and leaving hell leaderless. these horadrim were magically bound in shrines of great power, and there they remained for... i dunno, a long fucking time, until it was all just legends and shit to the mortals. everything was fine and dandy for this indeterminately long fucking time, until the strongest of the prime evils, diablo, began to win the spiritual battle with his horadrim host. the horadrim, as uber-powerful mages, were damn near immortal... but as is usually the case, that "damn near" part is the kicker. they were finally weakening, dying, and it gave the prime evils a foothold. diablo regained some small influence over the mortal realm as he began to overcome his host. as it turns out, in the intervening long fucking time, the town of tristram had been built over the shrine where diablo was bound. he started to influence and corrupt the people there, and eventually everything went to shit. thats when you, the intrepid hero, come on to the scene. (here begins the first diablo game) as heroes often do, you stupidly go "hey, lets go kick the shit out of all this evil up in this bitch"... by this point, the big D has overtaken his host entirely, and incarnated in the mortal realm again. with the help of deckard cain, the last surviving horadrim (now old and fading), you trudge to the bottom of the requisite evil dungeon and open a can of whoopass on diablo. problem is, after you kill his ass, his body disentigrates and the soul stone is left, with diablo's soul stuck inside. without a host, it wont take long at all for him to escape and return to hell. so, being the valiant hero destined for tragedy, you jam the soul stone into your head in hopes of containing him long enough to find someone who can bind him more permanently. (here begins the second diablo game) unfortunately, that doesnt work out so well for our intrepid hero. surprise! diablo corrupts him entirely in fairly short order and takes the hero over. he is now in search of his brothers, the other two big bad evils, so he can whip the armies of hell back into shape and march on an unsuspecting heaven. this is bad. this is also where our NEW hero comes in. and of course, you decide to kick the shit out of all the evil up in this bitch. again. oh yeah, and before i forget, an unfortunate side effect of the prime evils being contained in the bodies of the three most powerful mages to ever live is... well, now theyve corrupted and controlled the bodies of the three most powerful freaking mages that ever lived! so now theyre like... powerful x 2. whoops, too bad nobody thought about that when they hatched their crazy plan... or DID they?? (evil foreshadowing music) you proceed to rampage across sanctuary trying to catch up to diablo before he can free his brothers... and of course, youre always just a tiiiiny bit too slow. so you juuuust miss bael, then run into mephisto, kick his ass and collect his soul stone, then actually go to hell to whoop diablo before he can start his war. along the way, you also smash mephisto's soul stone on some kind of like, anvil of god or some shit in hell, killing his ass permanently. after kicking diablos ass AGAIN, you count the evils on your fingers... one... two... oh shit, i totally forgot about evil number 3! bael has been a busy little bee. he is seeking out the world stone, so he can destroy it and remove the barrier between heaven and hell. that barrier being our world. this is bad for all the squishies who happen to live in our world. when you catch up to bael, youre just barely too late. again. story of a heroes life i guess. bael has already corrupted the worldstone. you kick his ass anyway, just for good measure. then tyrial, an archangel, pops his head in and says "oh shit, this is bad. we have to destroy the worldstone now, before its corruption spreads and turns all of sancuary into a suburb of hell!" this smells slightly fishy to you, knowing what you do about the worldstone, but being worn out from kicking all that ass, you say "wtf ever" and let him get on with it. (so ends diablo 2) -- now some important shit about tyriel. tyriel is an important character in the story, but i didnt mention him because up until now he didnt actually DO much. heres the deal: tyriel was the head general of heaven's armies. he was the one who hatched the plan to trap the prime evils in the soul stones, and he was the one that helped out the horadrim so they could pull it off. all of which unfortunately led to 1) heaven getting lazy and shit, thinking they had won; 2) the loss of the three most powerful mortal mages that ever lived, damn near celestial beings in their own right; 3) the corruption of said mages, making the prime evils even MORE prime and evil; 4) the asskicking and death of the three prime evils, leaving hell in disarray; and 5) the corruption and ultimate destruction of the worldstone, leaving sanctuary wide open to the forces of hell... AND heaven. but... tyriel is an angel so... its all good. right? (now i eagerly await diablo 3 so i can kick his fallen ass!) Comments: 4 (view/post comments)

finally!!!!!     (posted: 2008-06-28 08:41:43)
i should have some kind of farewell party just before this comes out, because nobody is going to see hide nor hair of me for about two years after this comes out :) Comments: 2 (view/post comments)

To all kindle digital text platform (DTP) authors:     (posted: 2008-06-25 09:04:54)

Now Spinning: Pandora the beauty of the internet: everyone can publish the horror of the internet: everyone can publish for those intrepid authors who have started self-publishing in droves for the amazon kindle using the digital text platform, ive got a few little tips for you: Tip 1: write a fucking description for your book or short story! im sorry, but this kind of shit just does not cut it: Book Description Great Sci Fi short story by Gerry Maddren! im perfectly willing to buy a few short stories or novellas from independent authors, but absolutely NOT if theres no description of said story/novella. Tip 2: upload a cover image. and i dont mean you and your fucking dog. yeah, i know, dont judge a book by its cover. theres just one problem: theres a fucking bajillion books in the kindle store. and i just dont have time to scrutinize them all. one of the ways i try to weed out the piddly shit that isnt worth my time is the cover images. if a title doesnt have one, im not even going to look at it. if you cant take the time to grab paint shop pro and make a cheesy space background with words on it, why should i take the time to look at your work? even better, head down to the local community college, find a talented artist, and slip them a little cash to get something NICE done. Tip 3: just because your written fantasies of giant gay/straight/exospecies space orgies make you randy doesnt mean its the right kind of thing for publishing. im really fucking sick of all the "gangbang on mars" kind of shit that is starting to clutter up the listings. its bad enough amazon wont let you list more than 12 fucking books on a page (c'mon amazon lets party like its 2008 for a change), its even worse when space alien lesbian tentacle rape sagas are taking up slots on the page. seriously, who the fuck buys your shit? i think youd have better luck listing your freakshow stuff on fetish sites specifically geared towards it. Comments: 0 (view/post comments)

oh shit, the "permanent record" is real now     (posted: 2008-06-24 21:12:31)

Now Spinning: Pandora Naked photos, e-mail get teens in trouble (CNN) "It used to be that kids would make mistakes, and it was local and singular and everyone knew it was part of growing up," said Catherine Davis, a PTA co-president in Westport, Connecticut, who had a frank talk with her two sons after several students' nude self-portraits recently spread through the wealthy New York City bedroom community. "Now a stupid adolescent mistake can take on major implications and go on their record for the rest of their lives," she added. the internet has made the boogyman of teens everywhere, the "permanent record," into a reality. the stupid fuckups of youth can now follow someone around for the rest of their lives, thanks to search engines and internet archives. as amusing as this is to me, after giving it some thought, i think it kinda sucks. we ALL have some stupid shit we did when we were teens that im sure we're very glad has faded into obscurity and now exists only in our memories... which is where they belong. in theory, we learned from those escapades, and have matured and moved past them. it really isnt fair for them to continue to dog us for the rest of our adult lives, is it? in fact, i think its worse than unfair (which doesnt count for shit as far as the universe goes... its an unfair place after all)... i think it can be actively damaging. at some point ive got to believe that someone who might otherwise grow up and become a normal productive adult will just go "fuck it. why bother?" after having their past crop up at inopportune moments (like job interviews) enough times. i mean, how frustrating would it be to work hard at bettering yourself when you constantly find yourself having to overcome that shit? dont get me wrong, im all about accountability... but i also think that inconsequential shit like being stupid and mailing a picture of your dick to your girlfriend when youre a dumbass kid should eventually drift off into the depths of the past. oh well, nothing to be done about it. the world has changed, and it is what it is. but i do think this is one aspect of the internet that kind of sucks. (and as an aside, id love to know where the fuck all the slutty nekkid-cellphone-photo-sending chicks were when i was in high school? not in the AP classes, i guess...) Comments: 0 (view/post comments)

little things like "proof" should be no obstacle to MPAA     (posted: 2008-06-20 21:05:28)

MPAA Says No Proof Needed in P2P Copyright Infringement Lawsuits (Wired) i would think this was a joke if i didnt know better... an excerpt: The Motion Picture Association of America said Friday intellectual-property holders should have the right to collect damages, perhaps as much as $150,000 per copyright violation, without having to prove infringement. "Mandating such proof could thus have the pernicious effect of depriving copyright owners of a practical remedy against massive copyright infringement in many instances," MPAA attorney Marie L. van Uitert wrote Friday to the federal judge overseeing the Jammie Thomas trial. this is nothing short of insanity, and im stunned that they would even try to make such an argument. id like to know when it happened that one of the functions of government became protecting corporate interests and their obsolete business models over and above the protection of individuals from procecution without the burdon of proof? Comments: 0 (view/post comments)

In Remembrance     (posted: 2008-05-26 13:53:19)

today isnt just an extra "day off"... its a reminder to honor the warriors who placed their bodies and lives between you and the barbarians at the gates. on memorial day, we honor the fallen in particular, but those soldiers still living deserve our honor as well, and not just on holidays but every day. please try to remember to respect their sacrifice (both in peacetime and in war), and give them a kind word when you see them. Comments: 0 (view/post comments)

bwahahahahahaha!!     (posted: 2008-05-18 18:05:20)
very NSW. you have been warned. Comments: 1 (view/post comments)

mmm bacon     (posted: 2008-05-02 08:49:35)
Comments: 1 (view/post comments)

OMFG how do i get me one of these??     (posted: 2008-04-23 21:59:48)

Conflict follows device that drives away teen loiterers (CNN) "It's horrible, loud and irritating," said Eddie Holder, 15, who sprinted from his apartment for school one morning covering one ear with his hand to block out the noise. The device was installed outside the building to drive away loiterers. "I have to hurry out of the building because it's so annoying. It's this screeching sound that you have to get away from or it will drive you crazy." i so want a portable version of one of these. i swear to god, id carry it everywhere and never turn it off... [edit:] ugh i take it back... evidently im one of the few adults that can hear the damn thing... i can see how it would drive people away, that sound would make me batshit in short order... Comments: 1 (view/post comments)

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